New staff list released

Editor-in-sawdust: Helmet Chung
Staff violinists: Percy Sumptin, Klau Klellog, Wanda Blanche-Berrygross
Shouting at falling rain drops: Franz Del Coolie

Empty soda can therapist: Janet Bergeron
Staff raisin: Arnie "11:30" Renquist
Vice President - 12th Street office: Barney Bluejay
Dawn Parsons impersonator: Pam Kyles
Ernie Recruiter: Vanessa Derner
Damon Durly Eulogy/Catering: Mike's Chicago Style Hotdogs
Mule relations: Julio Merced

Sandpaper sandwiches: Rifickie Nattalo
Staff illustrators: Candice Migliaccio, Lee Eversawl, Ho-Po Song, pencil, Otto Hurley, Jenn J'Jansen
Rapper: Cornondacob
Murray Rudolph look-alike contest judges: Hannah Nannah, Wendy Woo-Thompkins, Jason Oklahoma, Shontreesha Galloway
Staff Perry: Perry Carter


Source: Henderson Family Archives

Kennafeck/Piso Ticket Announced; Riots Ensue

Harvey Kennafeck has announced his intentions to run in "The Election" '18, alongside longtime common law partner Bog Piso.

Kennafeck Campaign Poster

Piso

Upon the announcement of their intention to run, riots broke out in Cleveland. Lil' Hee-ho Martin was sacrificed. That is all that is known at this time, as police have chosen to ignore the incident.

While it is unknown who Stan Callaway is/was, it is believed accurate that Senator Kennafeck was in fact once married to Barry Sea (deceased, cheetah).

Kennafeck and Piso have made early campaign promises to "abolish hippo slavery" and "make changes." In addition, they have sworn to "honor the oath we have taken, and remain in hiding until the day the Walrus Invasions have subsided."

Please donate no less than $1000 American to the campaign at www.kennafeckpiso18.com. Donations can also be made by calling campain headquarters at 1-888-RAINBOW.

- Staff Campaign Manager Oscar Rainbow-Horowitz Jr.

Hu: "I'm Back"

New t-shirts available

Sizes: S, M, Bernie Biggles, L, Murray Gladstone, X-Murray Gladstone

$35 each
email bobbyfeathers@gmail.com to order

Sylvan Snugg Announces Candidacy

Sylvania Truffles Snugg has announced his intent to run in the 2014 Hey Jerk Presidential election.

Snugg

Snugg, who is a nose on top of a neck, had little to say about his upcoming campaign.

"I intend to change things."





Sylvan Snugg's crowning achievement was his silver medal in the luge competition in the 1922 Olympic Games in Freehold, New Jersey. He has worn the medal to this day, only removing it once late in 1955 for "mule hunting purposes." He refuses to elaborate further.

Snugg has said that he will announce his running mate in coming days. Please be sure to monitor us here at The Jerk for that breaking news announcement.

"Long Live Nope Bradley!" - Sylvan Snugg Campaign Slogan '14

- Campaign Beat Writer Mrooble Fonchonski

New Hey Jerk products available for limited time

Oh hired

Professor Johnathan "Murray" Oh has been hired for the position of part-time pecan, effective once the 43-year old former Japanese airplane glue model completes a dolphin physical.

Oh, a member of the famous Flying Oh family, who as elephantpeople migrated to the United States on bagels in 1933 and in 1938 saved Cincinnati from the Hmm family, is expected to take over the coveted pecan position from Stanley Plauss. Plauss passed away late Tuesday after he was rumored to have been eaten by a family of magpies.

Other hirings from February 11-12:

* Cassandra & Mort Higgums hired as staff salt and pepper shakers
* Sossy Sasso hired as wheat bread salesman Joe Jiggles
* Zimdorr-5 hired as taxi cab hubcap, driver's side back wheel division


The Society to Shave Mel Thompkins (SSMT) contributed to this report

Dom BaDoo - a Timeline of Remembrance

Dom BaDoo was one of the most celebrated New York "Yankees" left fielders of all time. We here at The Jerk would like to honor him with a timeline of his lifes memorable achievements.

BaDoo

July, 1922 - Drafted in 122nd round by Cleveland
July, 1922 - Traded to Cincinnati for Oak Benkman
July, 1922 - Traded to Ottawa for Harry Chiselfoot
July, 1922 - Run over by horse
August, 1922 - Released by Ottawa
August, 1922 - Signed by New York Yankees
December, 1922 - Celebrated Christmas
April, 1922 - Opened up as starting Left Fielder for the New York Yankees
June, 1922 - Recorded his 1000th Major League Hit (Double)
July, 1924 - Killed Merl Tippo with bloop single to left
October, 1928 - Named World Series MVP after a 4-16 showing in Series
June, 1930 - Eaten by wild walrus released onto field by fans
September, 1934 - Recorded 1100th career hit
April, 1940 - Killed by routine fly ball in Kansas City
September, 1940 - Recorded first Grand Slam of career in Milwaukee
June, 1940 - Run over by stampede of elephants at Yankee Stadium
July, 1940 - Pitched 8th inning against St. Louis, allowed 3 runs
June, 1941 - Officially retired from MLB
July, 1941 - Caught fly ball in left against Cleveland
August, 1959 - Remains honored in left field by visiting Reds
August, 1959 - Takes bow in honor of his tribute
September, 1960 - Hired as Manager of New York Yankees
August, 1971 - Relieved of duties by New York Yankees
May, 1975 - Participates in and completes Boston Marathon
May, 1977 - Catches fly ball in left to complete 3 game sweep of Boston, clinching the pennant
August, 1988 - Named President

Further updates to come, as the "future has not yet been written" - Yancey Fogpatch

"It's time for the Larry Larry era"

The above quote was taken from Channing Chu's state of the Otis speech this morning, officially signaling the start of the Larry Larry "era of understanding & corn on the cob discussions."

Larry Larry (full name: Larontae Larry Larry) grew up on a gravel boat off the coast of southern Africa and moved to the United States in 1987 to be closer to his corduroys, which had migrated to the country a few months earlier.

In 1993, he officially changed his name to Larry Larry in an effort to launch a solo music career. Through an unfortunate set of cultural misunderstandings, Larry Larry began snacking on a trumpet and instead of he and his band The Where & The How starting a 33-city tour at Sal Delmonico Amphitheater, Larry Larry was admitted to the hospital with third-degree spit valve. The band cancelled the tour a few minutes later when the body of bassist Vivian Pock split in half during a routine wheat bread pinching.

"The band has split up," Larry Larry said to a round of laughter from assembled reporters.

Finally released from the hospital in 2004, Larry Larry discovered he couldn't see and that he now had just a green bean for a lower body.

Larry Larry's office on the 19th floor will be filled to the ceiling with applesauce, as his lifetime contract states.

Gary Fempot Monday's

Gary Fempot

"Hello." - Gary Fempot, August 15th 2007

Hey Jerk Flamingos Bios: P.C. Calhoun - PF - #2

In an ongoing effort to familiarize our fans with their favorite Flamingo players, we introduce to you P.C. Calhoun, starting Power Forward.

Calhoun

Calhoun Bio

Name: Pepper Chicken Alouicious Calhoun VI
DOB: 1-13-44
Height: 5'3"
Weight: N/A
Partner: Happy Family Johnson (Married 1986, children Ron, 7, and Bert, 4)
Comments: Drafted 19th overall out of Pepperdine. Averaged 24 and 10 as a rookie. Since has averaged 0.8 PPG and 0.0 RPG. Once ate opposing center (Len Faldwell) whole and continued on to finish game.



P.C. Calhoun has given his best efforts to our organization, and for that we thank him and have scheduled his assassination tomorrow evening at HQ at 7 pm. Tickets are available to the public for $130 and can be purchased through HeyJerkAssassinations.Ticketing.Com.

- Assassination Man Ron Ronson