April 25, 2013

Hey Jerk Thursday Morning Endorsement

We here at Hey Jerk Industries would like to formally endorse Pilgrim Mat Services for all your doormat needs!

(Click for larger view)


"We rent and clean door mats!"
             - Pilgrim Truck, April 2013







Please inquire about doormats and the rental of doormats at 1-800-939-2523 or simply email Oscar at oscarrainbow@gmail.com.

Hey Jerk uses Pilgrim, and our doormats have never been cleaner!

- Staff Doormat Wob Wobbins

April 24, 2013

**BREAKING** Herman Winkle has Plotzed

Herman Winkle plotzed. This is according to Walt Hembree, his neighbor and long time confidant.

"The guy shat."

More likely to come.

- Wob Wobbins

Wednesday Afternoon Advertisement

April 17, 2013

Influential Hire Made




















The Jerk has announced the hiring of Taykwon-55 as a part-time Pierre/Barbara scout. Taykwon-55, whose nose, Wendy, speaks three languages, will be responsible for finding Pierres and Barbaras on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, while longtime P/C scout, Bubbles MgKinley will handle the other four days.

MgKinley, who declined comment, has lately been spotted around headquarters putting on sticks of butter puppet shows, as part of his state-mandated probation.

Taykwon-55 is just the sixth inhabitant of the planet Dan Dierdorf to be hired at the Jerk, joining Stapleremover-83, Mu-shu-41, Carpet-9, Pepe-99 and Houseplant-26.

April 14, 2013

Brumfield drawing found

A rare drawing of Ernest "Pretzel Face" Brumfield was found by assistant staff pinecone Arthur Alvarez-Shell Sunday afternoon.













The H.J.H.S.B.T.S. (Hey Jerk Historical Society and Bait & Tackle Shop) estimated the drawing was created in the early-1930s and placed its value at 37 salt packets.

Brumfield, who was tragically eaten by a seal in 2006, was the first pretzel faced-man to walk on a mule.

April 8, 2013

Nakahama hired














Hey Jerk officials have finally filled the role of Walter Scout by hiring Clarence Nakahama, according to a brillo pad containing tap water near the situation.

Nakahama will take over for Edwin Kwon, who in November, 2012 retired and moved into a refrigerator in the apartment of Doris Lee.

Nakahama, besides being in charge of Walter/Walt recruitment, will also have a sculpture made of hot dogs of himself outside Jerk headquarters.

"It's truly a great day for hot dogs," said hot dog, 25.

Hot dog bun, 28, declined comment.

April 7, 2013

Arthur and Edgar Flumm










Arthur Flumm Esq.















Edgar Flumm VII

PP Calhoun III Welcomed

Pork Product (PP) Calhoun III was welcomed to this Earth at 7:14 PM GST 4/7/13 by his mother, Henrietta, and father, PP Jr.

Abe Pakooka Photo















Mr. Pakooka was unavailable for comment.

- Wob Wobbins

UPDATE: PP III was eaten by an owl at 8:06 GST this evening and is no longer with us. 

April 3, 2013

Durly Cult Formed in Wichita

A Darren Durly Worship Cult has been formed in Wichita, Ontario.

The primary focus of the cult will be to bring to light all of Darren Durly's accomplishments, with an emphasis on his donkey related feats, in a deadly and violent manner. First order of business was to kill little Johnny O'Bule.

More to come.

- Wob Wobbins

UPDATE: The Darren Durly Worship Cult has been disbanded.

April 2, 2013

DURLY KILLED

Longtime hated a**hole and pig pirate enthusiast Darren Durly has been offed, according to officials from THRADD (The Human Race Against Darren Durly).

The following photo, stamped for authenticity, has been released.

Durly (DEAD)















Durly, who was spotted at his favorite mom 'n' pop joint, Xomcheese's, was immediately confronted by THRADD Treasurer Bill Petunia.

"I saw the man slicing into a squirrel sandwich on rye and confronted him immediately. He threw the squirrel (still living) into my face, screamed profanities in Russian, and began to fly away. Luckily, THRADD officers had the place 'cased' and we were able to put down Durly with one shot to the forehead. After he was confirmed listless, we beat him for over an hour to confirm he was no longer with us. All that's left is a bloody tooth and some Durly Dirt (trademark pending)."

The loss of Durly is being internationally celebrated, with second and third world countries alike naming today a national holiday.

The President of Uganda, Jim, stated "This day will be celebrated by our country for years to come. It is now a national holiday and all will be granted the day off of work for celebration."

Wally stated "Its about time. Durly was an a**hole."

Durly's brother, Daquan, is still on the loose and being hunted by the Durly Foundation, in addition to several other anti-Durly establishments.

- Staff Durly Correspondent Wob Wobbins

April 1, 2013

Capolo names: the week that was

Capolo Henderson Name List

Began: 3/25 at 3:43 p.m. EST
Ended:  4/1 at 3:43 p.m. EST


Marvin Levy
Buck Hooheh
Special Agent Warren Foo
Fart Foogan
Private John Coolie
Thomas Rondo
William Boatshoes, MD
Trevor Whott
Book Yukkah
Larry Lohooga
Dr. Horace Bagley
Frederick Bungalow
Juan Bungalow
Muckamule Fonshoggna
Dr. Overbay
Oggo Hornsby
Clive Schmukel
Billy Schmukel
Jorr Aj
Hogstram Applegas
Clive Bunkman
Economy Calhounowitz
Buttmud Harris
Olaf Hornsby
Shmugoewe Harris-Blyland
Billy Hornsby
Ronaldo Rondo-Beisbol
Jeff Bagwell
Trovo Fuong
David Johnson
Verne L
Larry Louisville
Julius Irving
Otie Quagmeier
Starfish Crugg
Fonk Fooheh

Gastenavich To Wear #14

Myron Gastenavich, who recently signed a four-year, 6 million egg shell contract to defect from Henntberry of the Shallow-East Legaue to play for the Hey Jerk Bison softball team, has decided to wear the jersey number 14 for the upcoming season.














Gastenavich, who has a Gastenavich family record five noses, is expected to play right field for the Bison, who are coming off a 17-93 season that ended with the passing of beloved manager/outfield fence, Marty Wickle.