January 22, 2013

Henderson invited to Spring Camp

Capolo Henderson has officially put the town of Mockmoodle on the map.

Henderson, a native of the peanut shell farming town, was recently invited to 2013 spring camp for the new expansion leaf-eating contest team, the Pershack County Cinnamon Buffalo. The Hey Jerk editor, 46, will compete for a spot on the team with fellow spring invitees Lyle Larue, Jo-he-Jo Pong, Unu Anu, Molly Binkwell, Romelio Yockcheeze and Shevvie Salazar, "The Rigatoni From Albahony".

Henderson released a cryptic statement through his lawyer, turnip:

"I'll make the team, and when I make the team I'm eliminating some people. First to be eliminated is Charles Frozengard. Second to go will be Ernest Ploop, the man who stole my elbow in '93 and used it to help Iceland win a bronze medal. Finally, I will be taking the roofs off houses at the following locations: 314 Vernon Valley Road, 2629 Ooork Avenue, the Sal Delmonico apartment complex, 940 Balboni Crossing and 6650 Warren Lump Lane."


- Correspondent Lobbo Blongamyre

January 8, 2013

Durly contract released

** Updated after afternoon scrambled egg fight semi finals **
In May, 1993, Lemmit Prong was one of 1,200 passengers who evacuated the SS Poppadapolis, and Prong was one of three people (Lemmit Prong Jr. and Jei Woo-Swah were the others) who rode dolphins to shore.

As a result, Darren Durly is not allowed to name any of the ice cubes in his freezer until September, 2013.


January 8, 2013

Durly and his agent, Pigeon, agree to this contract.

Letter from Paul Ploop

My half-Horace, Paultonious Ploop, was eaten by a grizzly bear last Thursday. A few of his belongings were found at the scene, including a letter Paul sent to the University of Yaycheeze. Here is the letter in full:

Ursula,
Given name by associate. Need schoolotomy. Wish to "become" consulage (sp?).
I have all rights to become. Just need degree - please send documentacition for signing and presidential acknowledgement.
Need soon (walrus)
Ta-pachio,
Paul


Other items found: Stevie Bly autographed thigh, pastrami/napkin sandwich.

January 3, 2013

Thursday night quote

"Justin Jr. escaped? That's fine because I know that parakeet like the inside of George Pepano's ear. I'll just put one of Ross Oberman's toes on a stick in the front yard and he will fly right back."

- Ellis Yaycheeze

Final results are in: Zinn wins

Historic news from Jerk headquarters as Padrick "Only On Wednesdays" Zinn won the 2012 vote to play Oscar Rainbow in the 2019 film Again With The Radishes?

Zinn received the first vote, by Harold Plumm on January 17, 2012, and led the entire way, a first in the Jerk's 37-year history. Zinn received a total of 14 votes, while Gheorge Muresan and Soccerball Schwynn finished tied for second with six votes each.


Final results

Zinn  14 votes (41% of the vote)
Muresan 6 votes (17%)
Schwynn 6 votes (17%)
Ed Xomcheese 5 votes (14%)
Yi-Yi Pu Fwen 2 votes (5%)
Barack Obama 1 vote (2%)

Did not receive votes

Chuck Frozengard
Schmegloid Shalom
Kirk Ashirminn

January 2, 2013

**BREAKING** WADE BLONG ASSASSINATED

Recently hired Paul Apologist Wadeford "Tickle Toes" Blong (born circa August, 1123) has been offed, according to reports coming out of Jerk Headquarters. While HJ PR Rep Horatio Bellfoon would not confirm or deny that there had been an incident, he did state that "Wade Blong is dead."

Blong (Deceased)















Blong had already made "many enemies" according to inside sources coming out of HQ, and was apparently fond of stealing associates lunch trays in the cafeteria, defacating in them, and returning them believing that no one had noticed. There was also a reported incident in the 112th floor east restroom, where Blong reportedly made love to a male otter named Winston and then "forced himself upon a stall door" while insisting that Winston watch and chant the words to Kumbaya.

Immediately following his assassination, a commoner named Watson Delms'O'Kaka released a memoir "Wade Blong: A Hippo's Last Hurrah". Initial sales are positive, and all proceeds are to be donated to the United States Association Of Decapitated Garys (USADG).

Blong's services will not occur.

- Staff Blong Yorvo Cling