December 26, 2012

Blong Hired

Longtime celery circus trainer and recent inductee into the Wichita State University Hall of Fame, Wade Blong, was hired as the Jerk's new Paul Apologist Wednesday morning. Blong, who ate a bar stool to try and get into the army but was unsuccessful (June, 1983), will be apologizing for all mistakes made by Pauls on staff.

Blong immediately got to work, apologizing for staff chef Paul Pinkly's undercooked chicken piccata, work not yet completed on Paul Road in downtown Clubb, and for the Paul Brewster's behavior on his date with Marianne Larsen (December 20, 2012).

Blong's apologizing schedule for the rest of 2012 is as follows:

December 28: long line at Paul National Bank
December 29: sold out matinee at the off-Ernieway play, Too Many Pauls
December 31: Paul Yannavitz throwing up on your shoes at new years eve party

December 18, 2012

Full list of guys named Herman released

Herman Corcoran
Herman Izzits-Straus
The Herman
Little Herman Verstonavitz
Herman "Herm" Kadelski
Herman Eddiger
Herman Wick
Her Meen-Shu
Herman Herman Lyleson
Herman Huck
Herman!
Chubby Herm Petersen
Herman Minkoff Jr.
Captain Herman Gelznick
Herman Berman
Surfin' Herman Todd
Herman Kerrman
Dr. Herman
Herman Wick III.
Paul Harris
Herman Sherman
Bobba Ku Herman
Herman Torkelson
Mrs. Herman
Herman, Herman and Hermanovitz law offices
Herman Hicks
Colonel Herman Zimmerman
Zoomin' Herman
Herman Jasper-Crugg
Sweating Herman
Herman Petrovic
Herman Lemmit

Tuesday Afternoon Mule Assassination Report

As has become standard operating protocol here at The Jerk, field reporter Oslo Quimm has breaking news that Pauly "Mule-Man" Picklesoda has struck again. Lil' Yarborough the Mule, best known in these parts for his groundbreaking role in "Once a Mule, Always a Donkey" (May, 1947) was found deceased and partially eaten on the corner of Main and 4th.

Prime Suspect Pauly Picklesoda













Picklesoda, who once infamously ran for Mayor of Salt Lake City but instead was incarcerated on Possession of Walrus Genitals with Intent to Distribute, was last seen at the BP station in Conyers, GA purchasing a burrito and a Red Bull energy drink. He is believed to be armed with a bow and arrow and is considered extremely dangerous. He travels with his pet mule, Travis.

If you have any information on the whereabouts of Pauly the Mule-Man, please contact HJPD immediately.

- Hogpenis Watson

December 10, 2012

Bly family list released

The Blys

Horace Bly
Lawrence Bly
Foot Bly
Warren Bly
Hishagesh-Melvosi Bly
Blue Bly
Herman Bly
Bobby Bagooba-Bly
Billy Babooga-Bly
Gregory Bly
Bliegh Bly
Donkey Bly
Geraldine Bly
Ernest Bly
K-eondre Bly
Haboote Bly
Dominic Bly
Murray "Chipped Tooth" Bly
Heckashecka Bly
Cabbage Bly
Shui Kwan Bly
Eleanor Bly
Lance Bly
Ernest Bly Jr.
Quinathony Bly
P'Q'Weishon Bly
Gramps Bly
Patty Bly
The Bly
Sherman & Orel Bly
Good Old Ralphie Bly
Juan Bly
Jimmy "Earwax" Bly
Adondae Bly
Captain Vince Bly
Hillary Bly & plum
Lemmet Bly
Blanche Bly
Too-Too Bly
Yan Bly
Xavierzeron Bly
Dikembe Mutumbo-Bly


Source: Bly Family Historical Society & Cafeteria

December 6, 2012

DDAC announces tour schedule, release of new album

Darren Durly Appreciation Society, "the most influential band since Hee-Hee Hoo-Hoo" (Capolo Times), has announced the release date for their new album as well as a Spring, 2013 tour schedule.













The band-P'Q'Weishon Bly (lead vocals and rhythm guitar), Ipp Cooper (electric baseball glove) and Pete Pig (corn on the cob)-will release their 11th studio album Skipping Out On (A Buffet Bill).

DDAC will embark on a 20-show tour beginning in late-February, 2013. A portion of the tour proceeds will benefit T.W.H. (Tomatoes Without Homes).


2013 Tour Schedule

February 26 - Plastic Fork Culinary School
March 3 - Kennington Prison
March 4 - Rainbow Fairgrounds
March 7 - Fat Neck Glenn Memorial Amphitheater
March 9 - Misshapen Cracker Warehouse
March 10-11 - Mashed Potato Fest @ Ploop Fairgrounds
March 13 - Quinkley Asylum
March 15 - Hey Jerk Amphitheater
March 16 - Armadillo Fair @ Carpet Sample Park

2013 College Tour

April 1 - Crugg Hall (Crugg College)
April 4 - Shonsen Pepano Memorial Auditorium (Appaplondis University)
April 6 - Mud Pit 7 (Vanderells Technical Institute)
April 8 - The Worm Palace (Feathers College & Tackle Shop)
April 9 - Haboote Hall (Shershon University)
April 11 - Mud Pit 9 (Vanderells Technical Institute)
April 13 - Student Lounge East (Klauzenrodner University)

Regular tour concludes

April 17 - Otis Peakaboo Theater
April 18 - Ploop Fairgrounds
April 22 - Eddie Shermer Hall

* The April 22 tour finale will be played in Darren Durly's hometown of Earwax Valley. *

December 5, 2012

HJ Exterminators "Open For Business"

The Hey Jerk Exterminators, created by the masses, for the masses, have officially been opened for business. Lead by former Horace Chet Winkle, the Exterminators will take care of anything or anyone you may need exterminated. Chet "The Claw" Winkle once knew a man named Harold, and lets just say Harold is no longer of this Earth.

Winkle
















Winkle will lead the Extermination Crew, joined by Hector Valdez and Fwui Wwompa (mule).

Rates:

Barry(s): $10/per, $50 for 3
Larry(s): N/A
Harry(s): $1010/per, $14 large for 23
Harold(s): $.14
Oscar Rainbow: included with purchase

For other rates, please contact willliam.petunia@gmail.com.

- Staff fart Viktor Sheng