November 27, 2012

Captain Bo Shmenga, and his Shmenga Tech AirWhales, Issue Challenge

Bofonga (Bo) Dondaldafalus Shmenga, coach of the world renowned Shmenga Tech (ST) AirWhales basketball squadron, has issued a challenged to HJ University Coach Lee Woogums.

Shmenga



















"I hereby challenge Coach Woogums and his Hey Jerk Elephantmen basketball squad to a matchup for the millenium. Winning squadron takes remains of losing squadron as prize."

Shmenga, while best known for his unorthodox coaching practices (eliminates starting center at beginning of opening game each season, offers up as sacrifices to Lord Hippo, as well as flinging fecal at point guards), is also a widely respected humanitarian who once ate a rhinoceros whole in his efforts to eliminate walrus matriculation.

Coach Woogums responded "in the positive," and offered up his lineup in return to the challenge.

Elephantmen 2012

PG - Lil'Stinky P'Poo
SG - L'Kork Asheermon
SF - Bengal Bly (eaten)
PF - Rory Pockovitz
C - N/A

Bench - La Skippia Montagna-Riso, Pat Zyn Jr., Rectum Charles, Fafaa Foofahfahfeefahfoofahfeefah'o'e'o III

Date, time and location will be released in a subsequent post. Please stay tuned. 


- Hector Ballvich-Wagawoo

November 24, 2012

Hey Jerk's 3rd Anniversary Party



















































Hey Jerk turns 3 - November 24, 2012

November 23, 2012

November 20, 2012

Haboote Vongavich report released

"Haboote Vongavich is a well-liked man."

- Anonymous

"Haboote will bring us into the new millennium the same way his father did: wearing a pastrami helmet and carrying Merle Feinstein's left leg."

- Anonymous

"Vongavich? Kid can grab a defensive rebound, I'll tell you that much. Without him, we don't beat P'Q'W'Shon Prep and take home the Carpet Sample Book in '87."

- "Coach" Hubert Barfield

"Vongavich is a hated individual."

- Capolo Henderson

"Over a 17-day span in the early-1990s, Haboote Vongavich was eaten by a small group of squirrels."

- Squirrel historian Natalie Kellog

"I haven't had any luck reaching him, so maybe your site can help me. This is a direct message to Haboote Vongavich: I need my left leg back."

- Merle Feinstein

"I told you a number of times to get off of my roof. I do not want to be interviewed."

- Rhonda Bly

November 19, 2012

Garf Fee Elected President of the United States

Garfofomous Fee-Puehler, former Staff Antelope, has been elected President of the United States.

Fee



















Fee will become the first non-US citizen to man The Oval Office, as he is an Israeli national. Also, Fee is half Camaro.

Fee has stated that his first order of business in office will be to eliminate any "people named Warren" or anyone "associated with a person named Warren" or "humans."

-Staff Walnut Albert Alberts

UPDATE: Fee has been assassinated by a yet to be identified mule. The Fee adminstration is over. Move on with your life.

November 14, 2012

Rare photo of Zeeble found

Hey Jerk has obtained a rare photograph of Ewing Zeeble, believed to have been taken earlier this morning. Zeeble was eaten by a giraffe at 12:20 p.m. ZST.



















The photograph is on sale at the Jerk's gift shop for $7,000 Uruguagian.

November 11, 2012

Aunt Estelle On Probation

10:14 p.m. HSST - Hey Jerk editor Aunt Estelle has been put on a three-month probation.

Estelle, who hasn't posted since her three-part series on the toothbrush overdose crisis at Crugg College in September, 2011, will be forced to eat a bucket of sawdust per week until her probation is lifted.

"To say we are disappointed would be an understatement," said Hey Jerk president P'Qwe'Shon Bly. "Hermanly, we're disappappointed."

Haboote Shershon, fresh off winning his sixth consecutive eyebrow-eating contest, will take over editing duties on an interim basis and will also have access to Estelle's 34th-floor scrambled egg dunk tank.

"Let the eggs begin!" yelled Shershon, while falling down a mayonnaise hill.

Ploop email correspondence leaked

[November 10, 2012]
Ernie Ploop 
ernieploop@gmail.com


 Good afternoon,

 I am fairly new to this country, do you come out to my house, or do I have to bring part of my roof to your office? In my old country, we always brought the roofs with us.

Whichever way is fine with me, as long as I don't have to also give you any of my socks.


Look forward to hearing from you,
Ernie

Terri Fascilla 
terri@drroof.com



Ernie,

We will come to you and take a look at your roof. However, you can keep your socks.

I look forward to hearing from you again!

Sincerely,
Terri

November 7, 2012

Wheatley Passes On

Hey Jerk officials have learned former staff correspondent and eyebrow model Chon Wheatley has passed away. According to an eye-witness account from editor Capolo Henderson's racquetball teammate, Darren Durly Jr., Wheatley was in his elephant costume, wandering around on the highway when he burst into flames, melted and ran into a nearby drain.

Wheatley's checkered past, which includes a May, 2009 arrest for impersonating a bag of peanuts, didn't factor into the Jerk's decision to hire him as a staff correspondent Saturday.

In his short time on staff he penned several articles, most-notably the Haboote Shershon obituary that single-handedly won Belgium the silver medal in the 1,600-meter dash.
















Wheatley (photo taken February 17)

A funeral for Wheatley was planned for Sunday at 4:00 p.m., but quickly cancelled due to the availability of pigeon ushers.

November 6, 2012

Eugene "Hookah" Gonk Hired

Eugene Gonk, aka "Hookah" because of his love for everything jungle-related, has been hired on as new Staff Softball Manager.

Gonk

Gonk Bio

Name: Eugene Salvester Gonkinstein IV
DOB: 1-1-1944
Height: N/A
Weight: 4
Pants: yes
Partner: Eugene Fonk, MD
History: 2nd pick overall, 1945 MLB Draft, Cleveland Indians. Eaten by rabid mule, August, 1946. Re-animated September, 1955. Drafted 14th overall, 1955 MLB Draft, Cleveland Indians. Eaten by rhinoceros, November, 1956. Killed January, 1977. Elected President of the United States - 1990. Hobo - 1994-present




Gonk brings several years of coaching experience to the staff, with short stints as Alpharetta Meatballer's Co-Ed D manager and hot dog vendor - Ann Arbor, Michigan. He is faced with a roster that was ravaged by deaths last year, leaving only 3 players available:

P - Patt Zin
C- Kork Ashirminn
C - Skip Miso

The rest of the team was unfortunately either murdered, eaten, or transferred to our Australian affiliate.

Look for several roster announcements to be made in the coming days. The Hey Jerk Hyphenated Ballslingers are a proud franchise, and will accept nothing less than mediocrity.

- Beat Writer Chon Wheatley

November 2, 2012

Shershon headed to college









Sad news out of Bly Valley as former Miami Dolphins wide receiver Haboote Shershon has decided to matriculate.

According to a mailbox with knowledge of the situation, Shershon has received brochures from the following colleges and universities: Capolo Tech, Feathers College & Tackle Shop, Crugg College, P'Qwe'Shon Institute, Crugg College Online (coming fall, 2015) and Shershon University.

In reviewing page 17 of Shershon's Thoughts Journal (Ernie Ploop Public Information Act of 1977), his college choice will be based on the institution's proximity to a talking hippopotamus.

November 1, 2012

Beafort Festerfly Jr. Takes Over

The reign of Glenn is over (again).

Rodney "Fat Neck" Glenn, citing economical and bowel moving strains, has resigned as Staff President, effective immediately. In naming a successor, he said he could not have chosen a better fit than Beafort "Beau" Festerfly Jr.

Festerfly




















Festerfly's first announcement was to name Fat Neck Glenn as his Chief of Staff.

"Rodney has done wonders for The Jerk, taking it from the slums of Idaho to the top of Mount Rushmore. Under his reign, The Jerk became and international superpower and quite possibly the strongest military force on the planet. It is an honor to follow in his Glenn steps and to name him my Chief of Staff."

Under Festerfly, it is expected that The United States of Jerk (USJ) will attempt to become more fiscally responsible, cutting out all unnecessary expenses such as ritual mule killings and poop-for-hire classified ads.

Festerfly also immediately assassinated longtime editor Oscar Rainbow, marking the end of his terror-filled reign.

Rainbow (DEAD)













Rainbow is still expected to correspondent on a regular basis.

All Hair President Festerfly!

- Beau Festerfly Jr.