The latest round of beatings has been scheduled. Please locate your name and report to the proper area at least 10 minutes before your beating.
Friday, August 31
2:00 p.m. - Helmet Logsdale, room 7
3:30 p.m. - Greg & Mindy Fitzpatrick, tinkle room
Monday, September 3
9:00 a.m. - Charles "All Day Every Day" Frozengard, roof
11:00 a.m. - E'Neshia Polk, underneath the conference room table
4:00 p.m. - Surviving members of the musical group Ham Sandwich, exit 73 highway on ramp
Thursday, September 6
11:45 a.m. - Cal Sanchules Jr., room 7
Monday, September 10
GOLDFISH DAY
7:00 a.m. - Marty
8:00 a.m. - Little Paco
1:30 p.m. - Shishashash
3:30 p.m. - Lettuce
August 30, 2012
Hired: Walt Downspeed
Walter "Leftovers" Downspeed has been "brought on" by editor Capolo Underwear-Henderson as Staff Telephone.
Downspeed
Downspeed has had several paying jobs in the past, most recently working as a fecal investigator in rural Montana. While is is known for his brains, Downspeed considers himself quite the scholar.
"I'm smarter than Chuck Frozengard."
Downspeed Bio
Name: Walter Wookockomo Downspeed, Sr.
DOB: ?-19-??
Weight: 4
Height: 1' 9"
Pants: no
Spouse: Chuck Frozengard
Comments: Once ate a rhinoceros whole to win a bet; his dinkus is larger than his legs
As Staff Telephone, Downspeed will immediately take all responsibility for Larry recruitment, as well as fornication duties with Chuck Frozengard. He will be seated in cubicle 14c on the 12th floor and is also available for beatings. Sign up sheet in the break room on 5.
NOTE: Please sign up for no more than 1 beating per day.
- Staff Frozengard Albert Wenk
Downspeed
Downspeed has had several paying jobs in the past, most recently working as a fecal investigator in rural Montana. While is is known for his brains, Downspeed considers himself quite the scholar.
"I'm smarter than Chuck Frozengard."
Downspeed Bio
Name: Walter Wookockomo Downspeed, Sr.
DOB: ?-19-??
Weight: 4
Height: 1' 9"
Pants: no
Spouse: Chuck Frozengard
Comments: Once ate a rhinoceros whole to win a bet; his dinkus is larger than his legs
As Staff Telephone, Downspeed will immediately take all responsibility for Larry recruitment, as well as fornication duties with Chuck Frozengard. He will be seated in cubicle 14c on the 12th floor and is also available for beatings. Sign up sheet in the break room on 5.
NOTE: Please sign up for no more than 1 beating per day.
- Staff Frozengard Albert Wenk
August 24, 2012
Letter to softball team, part 1
Team:
with the help of American "war" hero Irvin Ribinawitz, we've gotten clearance to have an opening day parade before our first game Monday.
There will be sparklers, miniature American flags, miniature Danish flags, drawings of other country's flags glued to miniature flags, and a team potato to be passed around and autographed for the family of Little Pete (1927-2012).
If you could, please arrive early so we can start the honey mustard dunk tank semi finals on time.
Thank you for your time and effort during this difficult phase of my life,
Oscar R.
with the help of American "war" hero Irvin Ribinawitz, we've gotten clearance to have an opening day parade before our first game Monday.
There will be sparklers, miniature American flags, miniature Danish flags, drawings of other country's flags glued to miniature flags, and a team potato to be passed around and autographed for the family of Little Pete (1927-2012).
If you could, please arrive early so we can start the honey mustard dunk tank semi finals on time.
Thank you for your time and effort during this difficult phase of my life,
Oscar R.
August 23, 2012
Cast list announced
The cast list for the upcoming play Bernie Get Your Lawnmower has been announced:
Yo Lem as Bernie
Claire Cartwright as Choir Teacher Ruth/Bowling Ruth
Charles Frozengard Jr. as "Tough Tommy"
Oh Ok as door-to-door envelope salesman Marty Fisher
Boo Boo Booboo as grass clippings historian Janet Jolsen
Linus Mejito as Mort Mejito/Evil Mort Mejito
Horatio Ploop as the advice-giving kudzu
Grongo Zax as Yupez
J.P. Poppadopolis as edible desk chair
Patricia Von Shwei as deceased hippo 3
Burt Young as himself
Huing-Jei Muh as the singing lawnmower of truth & justice
Play opens September 1 at the Capolo Henderson Theater & Caterpillar Museum
Yo Lem as Bernie
Claire Cartwright as Choir Teacher Ruth/Bowling Ruth
Charles Frozengard Jr. as "Tough Tommy"
Oh Ok as door-to-door envelope salesman Marty Fisher
Boo Boo Booboo as grass clippings historian Janet Jolsen
Linus Mejito as Mort Mejito/Evil Mort Mejito
Horatio Ploop as the advice-giving kudzu
Grongo Zax as Yupez
J.P. Poppadopolis as edible desk chair
Patricia Von Shwei as deceased hippo 3
Burt Young as himself
Huing-Jei Muh as the singing lawnmower of truth & justice
Play opens September 1 at the Capolo Henderson Theater & Caterpillar Museum
August 14, 2012
Tuesday afternoon quotebook
"I'm a good-looking olive."
- William P. Parcells
"I'll butter my own helmet, thank you very much."
- Arnie Levett
"Hismiss pass on a gumshoe, baby."
- Slick Nicky Batay
- William P. Parcells
"I'll butter my own helmet, thank you very much."
- Arnie Levett
"Hismiss pass on a gumshoe, baby."
- Slick Nicky Batay
August 10, 2012
Hu "Angry"
President Hu is enraged.
Hu
While it is not known why Hu is enraged, it is believed that Fetus Claymore may have a cashew from his hidden peanut stache deep inside HQ dungeons. Immediately after this photo was shot, Hu started streaking around the 86th floor nude, bowling over and killing lil' Fred and Al Johnson in the process. Hu then jumped out of a closed window and flew to Capolo Peak to sing "a love song" to himself. Traces of Hu-fecal were left scattered all over HQ.
Vigils will not be held for the deceased.
- Staff Hu Man Walt Hu
Hu
While it is not known why Hu is enraged, it is believed that Fetus Claymore may have a cashew from his hidden peanut stache deep inside HQ dungeons. Immediately after this photo was shot, Hu started streaking around the 86th floor nude, bowling over and killing lil' Fred and Al Johnson in the process. Hu then jumped out of a closed window and flew to Capolo Peak to sing "a love song" to himself. Traces of Hu-fecal were left scattered all over HQ.
Vigils will not be held for the deceased.
- Staff Hu Man Walt Hu
August 9, 2012
Hamburgerson Jr. Hired
A new era at the Jerk has begun as the multi-potato organization announced the Friday morning hiring of Alfred Hamburgerson Jr. as staff Deondre McGrue.
Hamburgerson Jr., the son of that guy sitting over there, was captain of the San Antonio Vipers semi-pro basketball team during the Minestrone Boom of the 1980s and in 1986 faded away on Stefan Christenson to put the Vipers up 7-4 in the early stages of a key March game.
"It turned the season around, that fadeaway," said a stick of butter named Harold Kline.
Hamburgerson's duties on staff will be to recruit other Deondres, massage Capolo Henderson's elbows, and to teach the rest of the staff the Alfred Hamburgerson Song:
[lyrics not found]
- Correspondent Linda Jiggaboo
Hamburgerson Jr., the son of that guy sitting over there, was captain of the San Antonio Vipers semi-pro basketball team during the Minestrone Boom of the 1980s and in 1986 faded away on Stefan Christenson to put the Vipers up 7-4 in the early stages of a key March game.
"It turned the season around, that fadeaway," said a stick of butter named Harold Kline.
Hamburgerson's duties on staff will be to recruit other Deondres, massage Capolo Henderson's elbows, and to teach the rest of the staff the Alfred Hamburgerson Song:
[lyrics not found]
- Correspondent Linda Jiggaboo
August 3, 2012
League treasurer under investigation
Gafreda County Softball Association treasurer Jill Frangepane is under investigation for allegedly
laundering league profits and for employing an illiterate penguin since
November, 2009.
The laundering charges stem from an audit performed on the GCSA's finances in January, which showed more than $30 was funneled into a company that manufactures hearing aids for teddy bears.
The penguin charge is especially alarming as Frangepane has a history with the bird. She was accused, and later acquitted, of attempted Penguin 1 in 1999, and in 2005 married a penguin named Carl for citizenship purposes.
Frangepane released a statement through her lawyer, Henry Loiyer:
"Please get down from my client's bird feeder."
The laundering charges stem from an audit performed on the GCSA's finances in January, which showed more than $30 was funneled into a company that manufactures hearing aids for teddy bears.
The penguin charge is especially alarming as Frangepane has a history with the bird. She was accused, and later acquitted, of attempted Penguin 1 in 1999, and in 2005 married a penguin named Carl for citizenship purposes.
Frangepane released a statement through her lawyer, Henry Loiyer:
"Please get down from my client's bird feeder."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)