February 29, 2012

Wendells

A Wendell phone conversation (6:19 p.m. GST)

Wendell: Hello?
Wendell: Hi, this is Wendell Fummlin.
Wendell: Oh, OK.
Wendell: I'm looking for a Wendell.
Wendell: Well, you found one. My name is Wendell Wooj.
Wendell: Great, Wendell.
Wendell: Can I help you, Wendell?
Wendell: We're gathering Wendells for a war on all Harolds.
Wendell: The Harolds are going to be tough to beat. But I'll join your cause, Wendell.
Wendell: Wendell!
Wendell: Yes, Wendell?
Wendell: We're going to need upwards of 100 Wendells. How many Wendells can you round up?
Wendell: To be honest, I've been out of the Wendell for a few months. I can probably get seven Wendells.
Wendell: Seven? That's not what we wanted to hear, Wendell. I'm afraid you're the weak Wendell in this.
Wendell: I may be able to get that number up to 10 if I play my Wendells right.
Wendell: Meet me at 75 Wendell Street, Wendelltown. We'll discuss your role in the attacks.
Wendell: The Harold attacks?
Wendell: Haven't you been paying a Wendell?
Wendell: No, I haven't.
Wendell: I suggest bringing a notepad, preferably with From The Desk Of Wendell written on the top of each page.
Wendell: All I have is a pad with From The Bathtub Of Carl on the top of each page.
Wendell: You've got a lot of Wendelling to do.

[phone call ends]

February 27, 2012

Rainbow Feared Dead

Oscar Rainbow, longtime staff editor and maniac, has gone missing once again. This time, however, it is feared that Dr. Rainbow may have finally kicked the bucket.

Rainbow (In better times)


Once believed to be the future President of the United Union of Piglets (UUP), Rainbow slowly but surely lost his mind. One of the last actions he was seen performing at HQ was to mutilate a kiwi in front of J.J. Dreblobski's 4th floor corner cubicle.

Rainbow (Last Tuesday)




More to come on this breaking story. We here at the Jerk wish the best for the Rainbow family, but he may still have passed on to the next phase.

- Staff Rainbow Man Travonjalicious Fwemp

Complimentary Photo

Junes passes away



The second installment of the Footmund Junes Era (FJE2) has come to an ugly end as the hippo wrestling national champion and UAG Northeast spokesman was eaten by a pack of rabid antelopes Monday evening.

Junes, who was seen at Jerk headquarters all day Monday serenading photo copiers and editing his autobiography I Never Had Casserole Made, was just two weeks from officially being named a Henry.


Also dead: Froglend DelMossis

Junes Located in Eastern Russia

Footmund Junes, one time Staff Foot and Urinal Investigator, was located early Monday morning after being missing since the Wallace Clayborne riots in early fiscal year 2011.

Junes



Junes, who lost his nose while fighting a hippopotamus in late 2011, recently received a Gary earring as reward for "Providing valuable intel to the United Association of Garys (UAG) in their international war on Gary terror." He also wears a pistol earring on his right ear to symbolize "peace for unicorns everywhere, especially in Ukraine."

Junes will make his rounds at HQ today, making only one stop in the 64th floor stalls to make a deposit. He plans to meet with The Glenn at some point, to discuss his future at the blog. According to his camp, he is an aspiring Henry and would like to take that goal to "the next level," perhaps at The Jerk.

- Staff Footmund Junes Correspondent Froglend DelMossis

February 26, 2012

Autographed card for sale

Terry Pendleton 1990 Topps




$200
Contact Capolo at c.compelio@gmail.com

February 25, 2012

Meet a GCSA Team: Delwood City

Location: Delwood City
Team Name: Blue Octopus
Stadium: Juan Bagel Memorial Field
Capacity: 500
Owner: Ziff Kershaw
GM: vacant
Manager: Luis Polonia
Last Season: 16-25, 10th place
Southwest Conference

C: Yoop Lyle
1B: Marty Benson
2B: Sal Delmonico
SS: K'Shontay Berkhalter
3B: Vic Delmonico
RF: Pu Za
CF: The Truth
LF: Rhonda Russo

SP: Kneecap Winfrey
SP: Persistence Thomas
SP: Chuckles Galloway
RP: Todd Toddrick
CL: Kyong-Mein Kwong

February 23, 2012

Iglacio Found Dead, Foul Play Suspected

Alpharetta, Ga - Edwin Iglacio, local pig farmer and rhino enthusiast, was reported missing over 3 weeks by his lover, Randolph.

"I couldn't find him anywhere."

Unfortunately, the saga of Edwin Iglacio came to a stunning end today when he was found deceased in a local Piggly Wiggly parking lot.

Iglacio (DEAD)


According to early police reports, Iglacio fecaled at the sight of his death just moments before he was killed. The fecal has been taken in for forensic analysis.

Randolph was none too happy. He released a statement through his Japanese translation officer, Ed Johnson:

"Today, I lost the love of my life. The man who boiled my brussel sprouts. The man who emptied my loins on a nightly basis. The man who wiped my coolie. We enjoyed many sunsets together, and wanted to enjoy one more tomorrow evening. Now that won't happen. The rest of my life will be left with a void that no one can fill, except for Lawrence Fizbo."

Further details to come.

- Staff Iglacio Man Trevor the Rhino

February 20, 2012

Peuh eats five staff members



Lyle Peuh's reign of terror continued late Monday when the Manginoite ate five Jerk staff members.

The casualties:

- Chubby Carl
- East Ferguson Squash pitcher Otis Lazlo
- Correspondent Sanjay Lump
- Benjamin "Benny" Wu
- Staff Onion Julius Peuh

February 19, 2012

New era begins



After thousands of years of religious persecution, the Machado-San family will soon arrive at Jerk headquarters for what promises to be an arrival at Jerk headquarters.

"It will be our most recent arrival at Jerk headquarters," said Tim Telly Jr., the site's lawyer.

Herman Machado-San, seen here taking one of his daily rides on his patented Machado Mower, will be responsible for eating dandelions and refereeing the site's annual goldfish-eating contest, March 7. Despite being blind and legless, Machado-San has the keen ability to pick up Russian basketball scores with his mustache and once boxed a mule to save the Pepano family.

Replicas of Machado-San's 'POOP' t-shirt are now on sale at the Jerk gift shop for $75.

Machado-San's tail, Frederick refused comment.

February 16, 2012

A conversation about Woggs

[Phone call: February 16, 12:21 a.m.]


Nakeem Bly: It's about time you recognized Brenton Wogg.

Mik Crupples: Who is Brenton Wogg?

NB: Esteemed member of the Wogg family. It's time they were accounted for.

MC: Accounted for what?

NB: Their mashed potato sculptures.

MC: Those were eaten. Anyway, the Woggs are a popular family in Honduras?

NB: You took notes in Wogg 101, didn't you?

MC: No, I read your t-shirt.

NB: Listen, Percy Wogg is going to enter this election as a Capoloitian, and we'd like the support of you and your clan of oysters.

MC: I think we both know this phone conversation has come to an end.

NB: Hang on, one more thing.

MC: Yes?

NB: Could you come over to my grandmother's place and clean up her back porch. We need to finally sweep away all of those dead ants.

[Call disconnected]

February 15, 2012

Missing Person Reports: Victor Von Schwii

Victor Vincent Vondelham Venkman Vigga Voo Vanessa Velma Vernon Vinkopomos Vincent Vaggo Verna Vernon Vic Vonshebalow Voo Vmen Vregman Vilfork Vuff Barry Vopla Verm Vince Vincenzo Velpo Vhinoceros Vegphom Vaquangalicious Vernon Vred Vaqualification Voris Varack Vobama Vunfo Von Schwii has been reported missing.

Von Schwii (Missing)


If you have any information as to Dr. Von Schwii's whereabouts, please contact HJ Police at 1-800-Von-Schwii.

- Staff Missing Person Analyst Reuben Flumf

***BREAKING***

Von Schwii has been located in a pond near Rainbow Mountain. He is no longer with us.

Meet A GCSA Team: The Pet Store



Location: The Pet Store, 43rd St.
Team Name: Golden Hurricanes
Stadium: Mulk Ruso Park at Kirk Sherman Grounds
Capacity: 234,000
Owner: Mick Rudolph
GM: Randy Velarde
Manager: Steve Balboni
Last Season: 19-22, 9th place
Southwest Conference

C: Potts Bottington
1B: Pooky Rice
2B: Emmit Balboni
SS: Kurtis Christmas
3B: Noodles McGinley
RF: Benson Vanderells
CF: Cr'shonshay Reynolds
LF: Bennnet Gibbons

SP: Peekis O'Shea
SP: Ernest Sherman
RP: Stinkyneck Daniels
CL: Bu Vin-Sha

February 10, 2012

BREAKING: Maglio Missing

Joseph Wegland Maglio, frequent contributer at a rival blog and well-known planet enthusiast, was seen waving to a group of fans this morning and is now "missing."

Maglio (Missing)



Maglio was believed to have been content in recent years, despite his long history of drug, alcohol and walrus abuse. He seemed to have found comfort in his family farm and had frequently been seen riding the donkeys in the pasture. Days before his disappearance, however, Maglio was believed to have had a relapse on cocaine and barbiturates, as he was seen nude roaming through the streets of Brooklyn.

The Jerk will have continuous updates on the situation, as we all hope and pray Maglio can be brought home safely.

- Staff Maglio man Warren Lump

February 9, 2012

Fredo Sanchules Annoints Self "President of the Earth"

Fredo Sanchules, local pig salesman and candidate to become the Lump of the Year in 2012, has annointed himself President of the Earth.

Sanchules


Fredo released the following statement through his spokesperson, Private John Coolie's Legs:

Coolie's Legs



"Citizens of the Earth - I come to you from atop Mount Sanchules, deep within the hostile territory of our enemy, Pluto. Through my election, I promise you I will not let the Plutonians take over our planet. I also promise that as your leader, I will kill off nearly three-quarters of you and feet you to my gorilla, Claude. These promises I make you, I swear to keep, probably."

Sanchules was seen flying away towards his seaside mansion, where it is believed he resides with John Coolie's legs in a romantic fashion.

- Staff President of the Earth correspondent Warren Lump

February 8, 2012

Jerk hires another Coolie



After capping a memorable 2011 with the hiring of Ed Cooley as Staff Cooley, the Jerk made another shocking hire Wednesday evening, adding Private John Coolie (Uruguagian, retired).

Coolie is a veteran of many wars, including The War To Eliminate Murray Werner and the War Of Too Many Percys.

He'll begin his tenure as soon as the 73-year old passes a Phui physical.

February 7, 2012

Drawing Found



Just hours after Pat Sheridan left us, a drawing was found of the former Tigers' outfielder. Officials aren't sure who may have created the drawing, which depicts Sheridan scolding a group of delinquent worms, but it will be included in next month's Auction & Ham Sandwich Riot.


- Correspondent Sanjay Lump

Playoff schedule released

The schedule for the 2012 WFL playoffs has been released.


First round (February 29)
No. 8 University of Maryland at No. 1 Hey Jerk Bison
No. 7 Mud People at No. 2 ADRS
No. 6 St. Louis Rams at No. 3 The Worm Store
No. 5 11 Chubby Guys Named Jerry at No. 4 Kennington Prison

National semifinals (March 7)

Championship of Planet Earth (March 14)

February 6, 2012

Sanjay Lump Assassinated; Lump Ballot Candidates Released

Penqua, Oregon - In a development long in the making, the Lump coalition had no choice but to act. Sanjay Lump, longtime sore spot for the Lump family, was finally located and put to death via a hanging in front of Lump Castle.

Sanjay Death Photo

(Also pictured - Jehiah, Warren Lump)

Sanjay had been sought for the murder of 17 Lumps around the globe, and was believed to be on his way to Warren Lump's Portland flat when he was spotted and apprehended by Lump police. After briefly resisting, Sanjay removed his pants and gave himself up.

Formally charged with 17 murders of fellow lumps, Sanjay Lump plead guilty in front of a group of his peer Lumps. Chief Justice Harold Lump laid down a swift verdict.

"Death." - Harold Lump

Sanjay was hung in front of Lump Castle on "Ol' Samuel." the Lump family tree which has been part of the coalition since the beginning, in the 1400's. Warren Lump attended the hanging, pointed and laughed, then relieved himself in Lump pond and left the premises.

Sanjay will be left to decompose to serve as a warning to subsequent Lumps of what can happen should you commit Lumpicide.

In additional news, the yearly ballot of 5 to decide who will be inducted into the Lump family was released today. It will be voted on in early March by a group of senior Lump officials, at which time a new Lump will be inducted into the Lump of Fame.

Candidates:

Robert Feathers
George Muresan
Flat Screen Harris
Private John Coolie
Fredo Sanchules (story coming)

- Staff Lump man Warren Lump

Sheridan Suffers Demise Moments After a Title

***BREAKING***

The Detriot Tigers, playing for a city that was near demolition, brought home a title yesterday. The town has now been given "a new life," at least until March, 2012.

Detroit wins

(Pictured: Pat Sheridan being throw into air moments after the final victory of his life)

While popping a bottle of champagne open in the locker room after the title was won, Pat Sheridan began to scream.

"We did it g......."

That was as far as he got. In the middle of the word "guys," Trevor the rhino waltzed in and ate Dr. Sheridan, ending his existence.

A title was won, but at what cost?

Sheridan (Eaten)



- Staff RBI Baseball man Travanjolicious Fwemp

February 3, 2012

Jesusman Hired

After more than two years of firings, deaths, chili riots, pointing at leaves, ice cube-eating contests, a guy named Barry taking all of the salad dressing to impress Maryanne and hippo tramplings, the Jerk has brought some religion on board in the person of Jehiah Jesusman.



The 2,012-year old brings a lifetime of religious practice, most notably the mass execution of dozen pieces of toast in the late-1830s and turning Dr. Emmit Pinddle into a penguin in 1995.

Jesusman, who had his left foot eaten off by an Okkaplokka bug and whose nose caused the Korean War, was born in Arkansas and lived there until he was 1,400. He joined the peas movement and married a thimble of rice so the thimble could gain United States citizenship.

At the Jerk, Jesusman is expected to lead all staff members to salvation, or the all-you-can-eat pizza buffet, whichever is first on his bus route.