Burt finally regreted his flagrant use of the term "my feet are killing me."
July 30, 2011
July 29, 2011
July 26, 2011
The Sherman Family
Sure Sherman
Shirley Sherman
Sherm Sherman
Herman Sherman
Sherner Sherman
Sure Sherman Jr.
Junior A. Sherman
Thurman Sherman
Irvin Sherman
Jermaine Sherman
Permin Sherman
Herman Sherman Jr.
Furman Sherman
Shirley Sherman
Sherm Sherman
Herman Sherman
Sherner Sherman
Sure Sherman Jr.
Junior A. Sherman
Thurman Sherman
Irvin Sherman
Jermaine Sherman
Permin Sherman
Herman Sherman Jr.
Furman Sherman
July 21, 2011
July 14, 2011
BREAKING: Ernie Ploop Found Deceased
Ernie Ploop, recently appointed Staff Mogul, was found deceased this morning under a toilet bowl in the 76th floor womens restroom. At the time he was found (by Staff Ear Martha MaGomb), Ploop was in the buff and his mustache had been removed and placed on the toilet seat.
Ploop (Dead)
Ernesto (Ernie) Ploop was beloved by his peers, and worshiped by his Uncle Frank.
Policeman Ong Sanchules was the first on the scene, and reported being shocked at what he found.
" When I arrived, I found Mr. Ploop completely nude on the floor of the stall, with his dinkus in his left hand and his mustache removed and placed on the toilet. There was a strong scent of fecal, and it appeared that Ploop had just had a bowel movement as there was toilet paper stretching from his rear end to the bottom of the toilet bowl."
A full investigation will ensue - stay tuned at the Jerk for updates as we receive them.
- Staff Murder Man Alfred Mungee
Ploop (Dead)
Ernesto (Ernie) Ploop was beloved by his peers, and worshiped by his Uncle Frank.
Policeman Ong Sanchules was the first on the scene, and reported being shocked at what he found.
" When I arrived, I found Mr. Ploop completely nude on the floor of the stall, with his dinkus in his left hand and his mustache removed and placed on the toilet. There was a strong scent of fecal, and it appeared that Ploop had just had a bowel movement as there was toilet paper stretching from his rear end to the bottom of the toilet bowl."
A full investigation will ensue - stay tuned at the Jerk for updates as we receive them.
- Staff Murder Man Alfred Mungee
July 13, 2011
Lanuga Obituary Released
Henry Lanuga
1921-2011
Lanuga loved salami sandwiches, perhaps too much. He died Tuesday afternoon of lettuce complications, leaving behind his wife, bicycle helmet, and a picture of his son, Henry Jr., who still refuses to speak to the elder Lanuga after the two had a 2008 argument over what exactly was pouring out of Gary Carlson's ears. Funeral services are set for July 14 at 5:00 p.m., then it's off to Jigger's for $1 wing night.
[no known photos of any Lanugas - Lanuga vs. the state of Michigan, 2001]
1921-2011
Lanuga loved salami sandwiches, perhaps too much. He died Tuesday afternoon of lettuce complications, leaving behind his wife, bicycle helmet, and a picture of his son, Henry Jr., who still refuses to speak to the elder Lanuga after the two had a 2008 argument over what exactly was pouring out of Gary Carlson's ears. Funeral services are set for July 14 at 5:00 p.m., then it's off to Jigger's for $1 wing night.
[no known photos of any Lanugas - Lanuga vs. the state of Michigan, 2001]
July 11, 2011
New Cast List Announced
New Jersey Doo: The Marvin Reeso Story
Cast list:
Nickafont Brazwell as Ross Oberman
Shin-Fu Zeh as yogurt salesman
Zip Sanchules as Marvin Reeso
Junior A. Sherman as himself
Julio McKenna as talking front lawn
Bump Bagel as Carlos Bagel
Boo Boo Xavier as Bob "Tinkletime" Feathers
Cynthia Paul as Biker Ruth
Julio Buckleberger as Father Joseph "Crunch Time" Leonard
Yoshimura Kanataka as penguin karate instructor
Oscar Rainbow as wastebasket #4
Hillary Shaw as Mrs. Capolo Henderson
And introducing:
Chubby Pete as professional wrestler "The Forehead"
In theaters July 20!
Cast list:
Nickafont Brazwell as Ross Oberman
Shin-Fu Zeh as yogurt salesman
Zip Sanchules as Marvin Reeso
Junior A. Sherman as himself
Julio McKenna as talking front lawn
Bump Bagel as Carlos Bagel
Boo Boo Xavier as Bob "Tinkletime" Feathers
Cynthia Paul as Biker Ruth
Julio Buckleberger as Father Joseph "Crunch Time" Leonard
Yoshimura Kanataka as penguin karate instructor
Oscar Rainbow as wastebasket #4
Hillary Shaw as Mrs. Capolo Henderson
And introducing:
Chubby Pete as professional wrestler "The Forehead"
In theaters July 20!
Bechtolds Arrive
Hey Jerk has announced the hiring of Plop Bechtold of the famous Wayneston Valley Bechtolds. Plop's role at the blog has not yet been defined, but the smart armadillos are on him succeeding Whiskers McElswick as Staff Marc Russo sympathizer.
Other Bechtolds are expected in the coming weeks, including Searcy Bechtold, the self-proclaimed 'King of the Bathroom Sink', and K'Wayzley Bechtold, No. 7 in your programs and No. 19 in Vin Delvecchio's duffel bag.
- Correspondent Lyle Sheetley
July 10, 2011
Oberman Found
Kwekitch County, 3:17 p.m. GST - Ross Oberman was found underneath his living room couch lecturing a corn chip on the importance of staying with the group. The 37-year old has been down there since Tuesday, according to a piece of white bread with knowledge of the situation. In a statement released through his lawyer, Oberman will emerge from the couch in time for the annual Kwekitch City Players benefit concert to raise awareness of rain puddles, July 14. He will also travel, by-termite, across the country for a series of seminars on edible junk mail. Oberman's wife, Napkin, declined comment.
Oberman [photo taken July 7]
Oberman [photo taken July 7]
July 7, 2011
Lemoncottage On Board
The Jerk has made a shocking hire, what with the economic climate and the rate of toast crumbs-to-canaries at an all-time low, bringing on Stan "Poopy" Lemoncottage as Staff Bum. Lemoncottage worked at influential blogs such as Russo Stains and I Picked Frozengard's Nose, and was campaign director for Bog Piso in 1988.
Lemoncottage, 36, will also be in charge of recruiting Ernies for the upcoming War of Too Many Ernies, held August 9-11 at the fairgrounds.
Carpet sample, 41, declined comment.
- Correspondent T'Kwayshon Addelsby
July 6, 2011
2011 Gas Draft Round 1
(Commentary by Oscar Rainbow and Capolo)
1. Atlanta Doody - Queng-Pu Dong - Korea University of Gas and Flatulence. Dong had long been considered a low first round pick, but his recent 17 second rumble that shot a burst of flame out of his rectum (Billy Cheshire, 12 yrs old, DEAD), pushed him to the top of the board.
2. Pittsburgh Wind - Ross Oberman - Steinklaus Tech. Oberman's gas was recently categorized as "melting squirrel", which impressed scouts during the Oklahoma City Combine in May. Rumored to be entering the 2011 Poo Draft, Oberman instead devoted his career to gas, a switch he wrote about in his autobiography "Kiss Me, I'm Gaseous".
3. Philadelphia Sharts - D. Devito - Aschermann School of Fire. Devito was thought to have been a lock for the top pick in this years draft, but had a leak at the Detroit combine during a standard blow-and-go exercise. Clean up took over 4 hours and delayed combine progress.
4. Garrison County Vipers - Ernest Sheckles - Russo University. Won the Farties in 2003, 2005 and 2008. Scout Mitchell Wentworth: "Sheckles isn't afraid of friendly fire, something that's rare in a teenager. He'll be a great fit for any team looking to build a foundation of young, aggressive wind blowers."
5. Ottawa Plungers (via San Fran) - Plumpy Foo - N/A. Foo becomes the youngest gasser drafted in history at the ripe age of 4. At 3 years 8 months, farted the Star Spangled Banner. At 3 years, 11 Months killed Fred Binkley (neighbor) with lock-in gas passing.
6. Hendersonville Jaspers - Nickafont Brazlin - Toronto School of Proper Wind. Brazlin is a risky pick as he has already signed with an overseas traveling wind orchestra "Sharting Isaiah". Once farted on an elephant, reversing the course of history and removing the word 'chili' from all local dictionaries.
7. Cleveland Cornshit - Court Anksherman - Harvard University. Anksherman, formerly known as Da'Quongelo, proved his worth at the 1996 Yugoslav Air Re-Direction Games, where he pole vaulted a fart 23 feet, shattering the former record.
8. Detroit Weasels (via Montreal) - Harold Jensen - Poopy State. Jensen set a record in 1996, letting a fart go for 17 consecutive seconds, which injured a field mouse and single-handily ended the War of Many Harolds. Career tinkle-poo ratio: 11:6
9. Montreal Mongoose - Urine Feces - Sydney Alligator and Walrus and Hippopatamus School of the Yellow. Feces made his debut only 2 weeks ago at the Syndey Stinkers AAA matchup by running onto the field and igniting a hot air balloon with his gas, flying away and not seen since. Mongoose take the risk that Feces will arise and dominate the Gas industry.
10. Hartford Ducks - Mickey Ruso - George's Technical Institute. Ruso was expected to be one of the top two picks in the draft, but fell to the end of the first round after his infamous No Wipe video surfaced on the internet. International farting champion for six consecutive seasons and 2008 winner at the World Series of Wind. Killed three raccoons with a December, 2010 fart, still a Lempken County record (Lempken County Historical Society, page 38).
11. Hartford Ducks (from New Zealand) - Stains Anderson - University of the Earth. Anderson was expeected to be chosen no earlier than the 14th round, but shot up the charts, literally, when he sprayed diarrhea on the draft board performing a Roanoke Rocket for a tryout for Tampa earlier this month.
12. Heet Valley Broncos - Brown Venters - Appaplondis University. A gamble pick for Heet Valley as Venters is a known no-pants participant, which is a violation of National Farting League rules. If he can learn to put on his dungarees, and lose the fake British accent, he could take the Broncos to the playoffs for the first time since the Piso Administration. Fart motto: "My wind cures potato famine."
13. Conyers Flatulators - Kong-Li Shermania - Shermania University. Shermania, seventh in a long line of professional Shermania farters, brings his patented "Kong-Pow" to the ring for Conyers, a squad desperately in need of a front-line passer after the defection of Shitbrains Smythe to Hong Kong in the offseason.
14. St. Louis Brown (via Qwekitch) - Padrick Zin - Opple Tech. Zin farted the theme song to the hit show Only the 37 of Us, which won him three pieces of toast. Played left field for Team 4 in 2010 and his fart while lying down in the outfield killed a record 42 blades of grass.
15. Las Vegas Coolie - Forfeit Pick. Las Vegas enacts clause 14.1b and acts upon their right to forfeit their pick in exchange for assassination of previous pick. Padrick Zin is forcibly removed from Draft HQ and farted to death in the Pass-assination Room by the "Odor Panel," 14 passers who serve this function exclusively.
1. Atlanta Doody - Queng-Pu Dong - Korea University of Gas and Flatulence. Dong had long been considered a low first round pick, but his recent 17 second rumble that shot a burst of flame out of his rectum (Billy Cheshire, 12 yrs old, DEAD), pushed him to the top of the board.
2. Pittsburgh Wind - Ross Oberman - Steinklaus Tech. Oberman's gas was recently categorized as "melting squirrel", which impressed scouts during the Oklahoma City Combine in May. Rumored to be entering the 2011 Poo Draft, Oberman instead devoted his career to gas, a switch he wrote about in his autobiography "Kiss Me, I'm Gaseous".
3. Philadelphia Sharts - D. Devito - Aschermann School of Fire. Devito was thought to have been a lock for the top pick in this years draft, but had a leak at the Detroit combine during a standard blow-and-go exercise. Clean up took over 4 hours and delayed combine progress.
4. Garrison County Vipers - Ernest Sheckles - Russo University. Won the Farties in 2003, 2005 and 2008. Scout Mitchell Wentworth: "Sheckles isn't afraid of friendly fire, something that's rare in a teenager. He'll be a great fit for any team looking to build a foundation of young, aggressive wind blowers."
5. Ottawa Plungers (via San Fran) - Plumpy Foo - N/A. Foo becomes the youngest gasser drafted in history at the ripe age of 4. At 3 years 8 months, farted the Star Spangled Banner. At 3 years, 11 Months killed Fred Binkley (neighbor) with lock-in gas passing.
6. Hendersonville Jaspers - Nickafont Brazlin - Toronto School of Proper Wind. Brazlin is a risky pick as he has already signed with an overseas traveling wind orchestra "Sharting Isaiah". Once farted on an elephant, reversing the course of history and removing the word 'chili' from all local dictionaries.
7. Cleveland Cornshit - Court Anksherman - Harvard University. Anksherman, formerly known as Da'Quongelo, proved his worth at the 1996 Yugoslav Air Re-Direction Games, where he pole vaulted a fart 23 feet, shattering the former record.
8. Detroit Weasels (via Montreal) - Harold Jensen - Poopy State. Jensen set a record in 1996, letting a fart go for 17 consecutive seconds, which injured a field mouse and single-handily ended the War of Many Harolds. Career tinkle-poo ratio: 11:6
9. Montreal Mongoose - Urine Feces - Sydney Alligator and Walrus and Hippopatamus School of the Yellow. Feces made his debut only 2 weeks ago at the Syndey Stinkers AAA matchup by running onto the field and igniting a hot air balloon with his gas, flying away and not seen since. Mongoose take the risk that Feces will arise and dominate the Gas industry.
10. Hartford Ducks - Mickey Ruso - George's Technical Institute. Ruso was expected to be one of the top two picks in the draft, but fell to the end of the first round after his infamous No Wipe video surfaced on the internet. International farting champion for six consecutive seasons and 2008 winner at the World Series of Wind. Killed three raccoons with a December, 2010 fart, still a Lempken County record (Lempken County Historical Society, page 38).
11. Hartford Ducks (from New Zealand) - Stains Anderson - University of the Earth. Anderson was expeected to be chosen no earlier than the 14th round, but shot up the charts, literally, when he sprayed diarrhea on the draft board performing a Roanoke Rocket for a tryout for Tampa earlier this month.
12. Heet Valley Broncos - Brown Venters - Appaplondis University. A gamble pick for Heet Valley as Venters is a known no-pants participant, which is a violation of National Farting League rules. If he can learn to put on his dungarees, and lose the fake British accent, he could take the Broncos to the playoffs for the first time since the Piso Administration. Fart motto: "My wind cures potato famine."
13. Conyers Flatulators - Kong-Li Shermania - Shermania University. Shermania, seventh in a long line of professional Shermania farters, brings his patented "Kong-Pow" to the ring for Conyers, a squad desperately in need of a front-line passer after the defection of Shitbrains Smythe to Hong Kong in the offseason.
14. St. Louis Brown (via Qwekitch) - Padrick Zin - Opple Tech. Zin farted the theme song to the hit show Only the 37 of Us, which won him three pieces of toast. Played left field for Team 4 in 2010 and his fart while lying down in the outfield killed a record 42 blades of grass.
15. Las Vegas Coolie - Forfeit Pick. Las Vegas enacts clause 14.1b and acts upon their right to forfeit their pick in exchange for assassination of previous pick. Padrick Zin is forcibly removed from Draft HQ and farted to death in the Pass-assination Room by the "Odor Panel," 14 passers who serve this function exclusively.
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