April 28, 2011

New Family On Board



Hey Jerk would like to announce the arrival of the Benson family with the hiring of Claude Benson as Staff Benson.

Claude's responsibilities will include the transportation and de-breading of Bensons, as well as be a translator for editors Capolo and Bob Feathers when the pair heads to Uruguay in the summer for the annual Lettuce Toss.

The 35-year old's experience includes three years as an editor at the periodical Carpet Cleaner Overdose Obituaries and nearly a decade as Trevon Simmons' personal bus seat sniff tester.


- Benson correspondent Beckmann Goolie Jr.

April 26, 2011

Shermania/Mejito Need Softball Team




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"From Dust to Dictatorship" - The Rise, Fall, and Re-Rise of the Crugg Family

They're back.

After the last known Crugg, Poseidon, was wiped off of the earth several months ago, it was believed that the Crugg's were finally extinct. The once prominent Crugg Island was in ruins, and wild antelopes had taken over the land that once housed Rutherford and Grover Crugg.

Yourll Crugg has risen.

"The Crugg Clan has returned - from dust we shall rise to rule this world, to dictate it." - Yourll Crugg

Crugg




While Jerk representatives were immediately dispatched to Feathers Field on Crugg Island to discuss a potential staff position with Yourll, they were quickly turned away by the self-proclaimed "second coming." Crugg noted "I want nothing to do with your evil, corporate America pleasing organization. I will spend the rest of my life not only aspiring for world domination, but infliltrating your 'company' from the inside and destroying it."

This was not the response Jerk reps were looking for. While we may have murdered every other Crugg that ever walked the planet and single-handedly extincted the race, we have nothing but respect for the Crugg clan and wish to make amends. So, if you are reading this Yourll - have your representatives reach out to us for an amenible solution.

Long Live Yourll Crugg!

- Trent B.

On a side note, Crugg is expected to release his first memoir, "Cruggs and Bugs - A Life Shared With Cockroaches" in the coming weeks. Expect it to hit shelves sometime in early June, 2011.

Another Jones Passes Away



Buttscratch Jones, younger brother of Oboe Jones, died early Tuesday morning of pencil overdose.

Jones was a staff consultant since the 1980s, but fell out of favor with the Hey Jerk staff editors when he showed up for work last Tuesday with a head of lettuce glued to his forehead.

Funeral services were cancelled due to lack of guys named Gary.

April 21, 2011

Thursday Afternoon Abstract Art

Submitted by Ricky Shwinn


Bagway Found Dead



Former staff correspondent and egg man in the 1970s, Yu Bagway, was found dead in his home Thursday afternoon. A man named Harvey and his pet soft-boiled egg, Rodney say Bagway was playing his clarinet and rubbing butter on his head, as is his usual routine on Thursdays, when they heard a loud booming sound coming from Bagway's living room. The sound was unrelated to Bagway's death as police have found he died of a wall socket overdose.

Funeral services were canceled due to lack of waffles.

New Trend

"City Appreciation License Plates" - Yu Bagway


Finally, a New Hire

After what seemed like "millenia" (Grugg Fimpway, 1864 - "The Volleyball Crisis in Late 19th Century Northern America"), The Jerk has finally made another hire. Desperately in need of a Staff Crotch Sniffer, The Jerk made a monumentous hire today in bringing on Giraffe Rainbow (no relation to other Rainbows on staff).

Rainbow


Rainbow, who comes with over 47 years of crotch sniffing experience, is widely considered a pioneer in his field. He coined the term "Undercarriage Disaster" after a job in southern France in the late 1950's. He is also widely known for his curious methods, which include sticking straws in his nostrils immediately before the sniffing session is to begin.

Please join us in welcoming Giraffe to the family.

- Staff Crotch Correspondent Trent Bibswitch

Hey Jerk Cardinals Waiting to Hear On Replacement for Massimino

In the meantime, the starting roster for '11-'12 campaign has been released.

PG - Philium Bill - 5'3", 125 lbs - Bill University
SG - B. Feathers - 5'5", 143 lbs - N/A
F - Capolo Henderson - 5'8", 274 lbs - Fonchonski State
F - Yo Bah - 1'1". 12 lbs - Hong Kong Culinary Institute
C - "Big-O" Rainbow - 5'4", 133 lbs - O'Shoogie Asylum

Coach - TBD

- Trent B.

Massimino Let Go

Rollie Massimino, Staff Idiot and Staff Basketball Coach, has been forcefully removed from his position here at The Jerk. While Massimino amassed a 4 - 912 record over roughly 7 seasons as Coach, it was believed he had the program heading in the right direction and the pundits were calling him "Rollie Massimino." However, Massimino got himself into deep doo-doo when he was found pleasuring himself in the 4th floor pantry while simultaneously eating a crouton sandwich.

Massimino (Fired)


Massimino will be remembered as a solid, portly man with a penchant for fried bumblebees and relaxing candlelight dinners with this partner Eddie the Antelope.

Clean-up has been initiated in the 4th floor pantry and all perishable items will be discarded.

- Trent "Bobcat" Bibswitch

BREAKING: Burnett Enters Race



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Editor's Secret Illustrations Revealed

Hey Jerk has just obtained the secret illustrations of editor Capolo, who is believed to have created the art works during his two-week stay at Muresan Asylum earlier this month.

The first drawing is called "Timmy Tinkles", and according to Capolo's barely-legible notes from his stay at Muresan the illustration is worth "over 1,000 penguins".



The second drawing is thought to be Capolo's version of Antenna Man, a popular, 1960s superhero from Uruguay. In Capolo's notes, he mentions meeting Antenna Man underneath a kitchen sink in 1975, and also threatens to kidnap a hot dog bun.



The final piece is an autograph of Beckman Goolie, Capolo's alter-ego from 1998 until just a few days ago when Goolie was killed in a mayonnaise spill.




- Source: Hey Jerk Library, copyright 2011

April 20, 2011

Gepp Dead



Sherman Gepp, former quarterback of the Kennington Prison flag football team and co-creator of Toilet Sounds™, was found dead Wednesday morning.

Let's all move on with our lives.


Gepp
1898-2011

Booby Stands Alone in '12

Muresan Finds Running Mate



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April 19, 2011

Golfspeed/Bill Enter Race - "The Nude Choice" in 2012



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Dulfman and Dulfman: The Choice of a New Generation in '12



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Editor Capolo Gets Job Offer From Rival Blog

Dear Marc,
Our Organization is excited to extend to you an offer for the position of a "Check Assist Manager".
Basic requirements:

- US residency;
- computer skills and e-mail address;
- Age: at least 21;
- Responsibility
- an opportunity to check your email several times a day;
We believe that your experience will have a great value for our team.
To apply for this position, please apply at our web-site

April 17, 2011

Pastrada Dead



Goins Pastrada
1903-2011

- Died early Sunday morning of a carpet sample overdose
- Left behind a photograph of his cat, Roger, and $4

April 15, 2011

Chongo On Board



Chongo Barfield has been hired as staff Mashed Potato, according to a stove with tempertaures in the 300-320 degree range with Edwin's of the situation.

Barfield is the former editor at capoloslice.com and rainbowandhissalamanders.com and brings over 11 minutes of experience to the Jerk. He also brings a half-eaten piece of toast.


- Correspondent Mitch "Peanut Butter" Russo

April 13, 2011

SUSPENDED: Feathers and Rainbow

Oscar Rainbow and Bobby Feathers have been suspended from contributing to The Jerk indefinitely, or until the cow is returned to it's cubicle.

- T. B.

ITS OFFICIAL: Campaign 2012 Begins

April 12, 2011

Body Parts of Former Staff Member Found



CAPOLO FOREST - The body parts of former Hey Jerk staff member Vincent Wekish were found Tuesday in the northwest end of Capolo Forest, according to a pile of leaves with knowledge of the situation. Wekish was staff pipe cleaner from 1998-2009 before vanishing during a routine knee cap inspection. He was missing from November, 2009 until January, 2011 when he was assumed dead. The Wekish family-a doughnut (glazed) and a lawnmower named Terry-found new hope late last-month when police thought they had discovered Wekish singing alto in the Our Lady of the Dangling Big Toe choir, but today's findings confirm Wekish had been dead for months.

The body parts will be cremated and made into thick chili paste for the upcoming Jerk Chili Cook Off & Worm Auction, May 3-6 at Rainbow Fairgrounds.

April 11, 2011

Schlofko Immediately Slain

Ernie Schlofko, who has been on staff for over an hour, has been murdered.

Schlofko (DEAD)


Chuck Frozengard, Staff Hobo, immediately claimed responsibility.

"I had to make, and I did so into the top of Ernie's head. I quickly coated his brain in poopies and slowly but surely, Schloffy's life force evaporated. Expect the same treatment for any further Schlofkos."

Schlofko made no friends during his time at the blog, and will only be remembered for being found rafting in the 4th toilet of the 3rd floor women's restroom.

- T-Bibby

Schlofko On Board



Big news out of Jerk headquarters as the staff condiment target position has finally been filled. Ernie Schlofko, a former ear plug model and self-appointed King of the Knuckle People (Berk County Times, May, 2004), has been brought on to replace the recently-killed Broslin Murkul and will be placed in the break room and have condiments tossed at him whenever is neccesary.

Schlofko is missing the top of his head, but it shouldn't be a problem since 73% of staff members are missing some part of their body, or missing a large part of their brain.


- Correspondent Paul Schlofko

BREAKING: Bobby Feather's Favorite Restaurant

April 8, 2011

Rainbow Loses Mind, Again: Fetus Claymore Dead

Oscar Rainbow, fresh off of a recent release from the asylum, has done it again.

Upon entering HQ this AM for his Friday morning shift, Staff Assface Fip Ugglesby noticed an odd stench. "It smelled like rotting iguana mixed with human urine, and it was coming from the direction of Rainbow's cubicle."

Ugglesby decided to investigate, and was not surprised at what he found. "Rainbow was chowing down on Fetus Claymore, longtime Staff Dummy. He had just finished his right arm, and was moving towards the genitalia region. Thats when I contacted the authorities. "

Claymore (Dead)


Local Detective Tristan Pooha was on the scene in less than 10 minutes, and did not have an easy time subduing Mr. Rainbow. "He was just finishing off the left testicle and was screaming something about 'revolution' when I got in. It took me and 4 other officers to subdue Mr. Rainbow and throw him in the back of the van."

Fetus Claymore will be remembered as being a pleasant fellow, and for his frequent "Egad!" exclamations during 4th period history. Mr. Rainbow is being incarcerated and will be placed in Hey Jerk Jail.

- T. Bibswitch

April 7, 2011

Capernick Found Dead

Edwin Capernick was found deceased this morning, under a urinal in the southeast 4th floor bathroom. The scene was immediately roped off for investigation, with local legend Detective Tristan Pooha on the case.

Capernick (Dead)


While the murder is fresh and investigation has just begun, Pooha's initial reaction was that this case was a "murder."

Pooha released the following statement:

"It is currently unclear what the motive was, or how Mr. Capernick was slain. However, we have found a note next to the body that states 'I killed Capernick with a sharpened piece of human fecal - Scallion Golfspeed.' This leads us to believe that perhaps Mr. Golfspeed was involved, but until we get the chance to interview him, he is not a person of interest in this case."

Edwin Capernick was known for his experience in his Staff Jump Rope position. Noted prior positions include Jump Rope positions at rival blogs XomcheeseSalamiInc.Blogspot.Com and OscarRainbowSmellsLikePigUrine.Blogspot.Com, as well as at Wendy's.

Capernick was long despised at this blog, and while we in no fashion endorse the death of any staff members, we endorse this murder and fully support the freedom of the eventually discovered murderer.

- T. Bibswitch

April 5, 2011

Fang Dead



Wang Fang, former bassist in the legendary band Smelling Coolie, was killed Tuesday afternoon by flying asparagus. Police say the asparagus arrived by bus and immediately attacked Fang, who was walking back from a benefit gig to help raise awareness of benefit gigs.

Fang was 36-years old, his teeth, 3.