January 31, 2010

Hey Jerk Name of the Day

Constance Bronkley

[con-stinse bronk-lee]



Bronkley

January 30, 2010

Petey Glenn Retreats to Jungle



Stay with Hey Jerk all weekend for continued coverage.

Details come to light on Klecko Death

4 hours after the unexpected death of nostril man J.J. Klecko, Sal Pepano has claimed responsibility for the murder. While it was unknown when the newly hired Staff Assassin would first strike, it took him a little less than a day to make his presence known.

In speaking to local media, Pepano stated "I had to start off with a bang. While I didn't known Klecko, there is no good reason why he shouldn't have been assassinated. Nostril men are a dime a dozen these days." Pepano continued, "Let it be known - Pepano is on board. And more assassinations are coming. The Glenn's will pay dearly for what they have done. Klecko was merely an example."

It is not yet known what he is referring to et al the Glenn's, but here's saying we will find out soon exclusively at The Jerk.

"Nostrils" responsible man, Klecko, Dead

J.J. Klecko - responsible for nostrils at the Jerk - is dead.

- Miles, Staff Dead Fish

Rainbow Escapes

ABANDONED REGION - Hours after being taken into FBI custody for the murder of Bog Piso, Hey Jerk editor Oscar Rainbow escaped, according to a cow with knowledge of the situation.

"He ran right by me, turned around and said 'tell anyone and you're next,'" said Ronald, a four-year old dairy cow. "I didn't understand what he meant, but I do think police would be better off investigating the existence of a talking cow, no?"

The embattled Rainbow, who earlier in the month spent four days in Quinkley Asylum, quickly becoming leader of the Nutjobs wheelbarrow gang, had a long history with Piso, a former colleague. The two battled over an adopted walrus in 1964 and in 1973 Piso, working under the assumed name of Judge Peterson, sentenced Rainbow to four days in a shed for possession of clam chowder with intent to distribute. In September, 1998, the duo created The Corky Unkerman email newsletter, but Piso was fired a few months later after a December B.U.I. (bologna under the influence) arrest.

"We'll do whatever it takes to find Rainbow," said AR police chief Wick Wexler. "If we have to arrest every single guy named Oscar and interrogate every single rainbow before we get our man, that's what we'll do."

Hey Jerk Name of the Day

Zunkheimer Graham

[zunk-hy-mer gram]

January 29, 2010

RAINBOW KILLS PISO IN BRAWL UNDER BRIDGE, TRIAL COMING

In shocking Hey Jerk exclusive news, Oscar Rainbow retreated from the forest to confront longtime nemesis Bog Piso, a fellow insane local judge who once sentenced Rainbow to four hours in a shed.

Oscar Rainbow - latest photo (Zebra - Rodney)


Bog Piso - local insane judge and Rainbow nemesis




The bridge under which the brawl occurred



The Rainbow/Piso issues are believed to have stemmed not from the Piso sentencing of '73, but from a walrus adoption gone awry in early spring 1964. Rainbow, insane, fully intended to adopt a young walrus, and was first in line at the agency to do so. Piso, however, had the same idea - and is believed to have cut in line and successfully adopted the walrus (Ted.) (Note - unsubstantiated rumor - Yeti Times - 4/7/1964).

Several brawls have taken place between that day and today; none, however, as disastrous as this random encounter. It is believed via crime scene investigation that the brawl started as a war of poo, with each slinging fecal matter at the other (as two insane men normally would.) However, Rainbow went completely insane, and murdered Piso in warm blood with a piece of railroad track found nearby.

The blog would like to offer our sincerest condolences to the Piso family - Jerry, Bobbo, Ted the walrus, and Xavier. Rainbow is currently in FBI custody - trial to come.

- Larry, Staff Hippo

Hey Jerk Name of the Day

Donut J. Steinowitz

Alternate name of the day: Philbo Henderson.

January 28, 2010

Jerk hires Staff Assassin

The Jerk is pleased to announce after a drawn-out talent search that it has hired a new Staff Assassin. Sal Pepano, uncle of recently offed Shonsen Pepano Jr. (no investigation pending), left a great impression on the staff after his recent interview and was immediately offered the position.

"I'm here to off some folks," stated Pepano, "and I intend to do so."

While it is not known where Pepano is from or how old he is, it is known that he has no arms. Pepano is known to be a Crugg sympathizer, so look for some immediate Glenn family murders in the near future.

Sal Pepano




- Hortense, Staff Arachnid

Man Finishes Chili

VHENICKIN CITY - Early reports indicate Sal Sanderson, a local man with an unprecedented three thumbs, finished a bowl of chili, late Thursday afternoon.



Sanderson, who "loves chili" and "would've said 'yes'" in 2nd grade if someone had asked him if he loved chili so much why didn't he marry it, said it was the seventh bowl he had finished in the last two days.

"Not only do I love to eat chili, but I use it for other things," said Sanderson. "The other day I ran out of shampoo. No problem, I have some leftover chili. Need to wash my car? Must be time to break out the chili hose!"

Hey Jerk will continue its coverage of the chili on our sister blog salvadorchiliface.blogspot.com.

Hey Jerk Name of the Day

Sponsored by Xavier & Son salad dressing


Buck Smegmoid

[buk shmeg-moyd]

January 27, 2010

Controversial Sweatshirts Pulled from Racks



RACCOON ALLEY - A batch of inflammatory sweatshirts were confiscated from several area stores late Wednesday afternoon. The shirts, which include a picture of recently-deceased Aaron Crugg and the phrase "Crugg is Dead!" underneath the photo, were selling for $95 retail. Zatley Schirntz, owner of the high-end clothing store Zat's Schirts, said the Crugg sweatshirt was his store's highest selling item during the month of January.

"People like to wear shirts with pictures of dead people and exclamatory phrases celebrating their death," Schirntz said. "I have a responsibility to provide the people with death shirts."

Schirntz then produced several other top-selling shirts, including the "Wesley Finally Died" turtlenecks and "Thankfully, we won't have to deal with Maryanne Anymore" tank tops.

Hey Jerk Name of the Day

Vinson Heddington

[vin-sin hedd-ing-tin]

Glenn Wedding Party Announced




Mort Glenn, groom




** Coming soon: Crugg bridesmaids **

January 25, 2010

Capolo At Sea



The Hey Jerk co-founder and editor, Capolo left for a swim late Sunday evening and hasn't returned.

We have obtained this photo of the 48-year old bobbing in Piso Ocean.

Stay tuned for any new developments.

New Staff Crugg Hire Grover Crugg Suffers Heart Attack

Newly appointed Hey Jerk Staff Crugg Grover Crugg has suffered a massive heart attack. Suffice it to say, we here at the Jerk are not overly shocked at this revelation. However, unlike previous Cruggs, Grover survived the ordeal and will continue with his position that he has now held for over 4 hours.


"No heart attack is gonna sack this Crugg!" - Grover Crugg, 47 minutes ago


Staff Crugg Position Filled

Grover C. Crugg, the father of recently-fired Wallace and the grandfather of recently-assassinated Aaron, has been hired as the new staff Crugg. While he is against the upcoming marriage of his granddaugther, adopted Emily Fortence, Crugg is looking forward to the challenge of being the staff Crugg.

"I may only have one foot, but I could still kick your tookus," he said.


About Grover Crugg



Age: 165
Awards & Honors:

* Won "Best Drip" at the 1955 Nostrils
* Voted "Most Likely to Become a Veterinarian" in 1863 high school year book
* Expelled from veterinarian school for licking too many guinea pigs (May, 1865).

Life history:
December, 1901 - With former wife, Fortence, had first child
June, 1904 - Named child Wallace
August, 1912 - At all-you-can-eat salad bar, found guilty of lettuce evasion.
January, 1913 through May, 1931 - Away fighting in the 1st Many Cruggs War.
October, 1934 - Married traffic school sweetheart, Diane.
January, 1935 - Divorced
May, 1936 through November, 1948 - Away fighting in the 2nd Many Cruggs War. Comes home with four toe nails of honor and a turquoise fork for bravery.
February, 1951 - Bought second child, Vernon at a swap meet for $11.
March, 1951 - Traded Vernon for a postage stamp. Mailed subscription payment for Crugg Family Newsletter.
December, 1958 - During family Christmas party, brother Ernst climbs into washing machine and is never heard from again.
January, 1959-March, 1986 - whereabouts unknown
April, 1986 - Had left leg sawed off
July, 1986-November, 2009 - Plays Danny in the hit television show Growing up Foreheadless
January, 2010 - Disapproves of adopted granddaughter Emily's marriage to Mort Glenn, promising to "ruin the wedding in a horrific and gruesome way."

Hey Jerk Name of the Day

Edgar Quisenberry

[ed-gir qwiz-in-ber-ree]

January 24, 2010

Rainbow Falls

Hey Jerk editor Oscar Rainbow has fallen down the stairs.




Stay tuned for further updates.

Staff Arachnid Hortense Re-Animated

In a staff (and universal) first, once deceased Staff Arachnid Hortense is now alive. While it is not known how the once crushed-via-loafer spider has come back to life, it is believed that it may have something to do with tabasco sauce.

As per the usual here on The Jerk, an investigation is underway to discover how these events may have unfolded.

Stay tuned, and see the staff list for an updated photo of Staff Arachnid Hortense.

- Staff Meteorologist Rocco Frompley

Pinecone's missing head explained



After a story was published on the Jerk about his missing body parts and unorthodox ears, Theodore "Teddy" Pinecone addressed the media late Sunday evening. Keep in mind, this press conference was held in a kiddie pool filled with lawnmower oil and match box cars.

"The story reported on Hey Jerk was correct: I am missing the top of my head. During the 2004 Lettuce Games, I traded the top of my head to a man named Darren for a bowl of Toosh Fire-brand turkey chili. At the time, I thought I was getting a great deal. Looking back now, I realize the chili was OK, but it only lasted about 15 minutes. I kept the bowl and spoon, but now I just use them to fend off Eggbos, which are half-man, half-eggplants. Meanwhile, I haven't seen Darren in years. The last I heard, he had turned around and traded the top of my head for an eyebrow and an index finger.

As for the three lines, that's raccoon hair. The "6" in my ear was drawn by my four-year old son K'Washayshon. That's all I care to say at this point. Thank you."

Man found with no top of head, "6" in his ear

***BREAKING***

Atlanta, GA - A man has been found living under a chestnut that apparently lacks any top to his head. While its not known how the man survives under these circumstances, it does seem as if there are three non-connected lines floating above the hole in his head serving no apparent purpose.

While the man, who calls himself "Teddy Pinecone," lacks a fully formed skull, that may not be the oddest aspect of his body. In groundbreaking, but for some reason not surprising news, Pinecone features the number "6" inside of his ear. "It was better than 4!" claims Pinecone, but offers no other explanation.



Pinecone - August '05


An investigation into the whereabouts of the top of Pinecone's head is currently underway. Stay tuned for exclusive updates only at The Jerk.



- Larry, Staff Hippo and contributing writer

January 23, 2010

New Hey Jerk t-shirts now available



"Crugg Lives"
S



"Gerniger"
S, M, L, XL




"Rory Bertalini"
XL, XXL


To order, email c.compelio@gmail or oscarrainbow@gmail.com

Crugg-Glenn Wedding Planned for February




Mort Glenn


Emily Fortence

Join the Hey Jerk Facebook group

Hey Jerk Facebook group

January 22, 2010

Pepano's glasses found at crime scene



BERK COUNTY - The reading glasses of Shonsen Pepano Jr. were found at the scene of the former Hey Jerk staff photographer's gruesome toothpick-stabbing murder. Pepano Jr., who won two Erniger Feetley awards for his work at the blog, was stabbed with more than 100 toothpicks by an unknown assassin on the evening of January 20 and died shortly after, according to Berk County police chief Vern Wayshore.

"He could've taken 95, maybe even 96 or 97 toothpick wounds, but 100 was too much," said Wayshore. "We're searching 24 hours a day for our main suspect, but the tendency of this bureau is just to blame someone and get it over with."

Wayshore said the top blame targets are Hey Jerk editor, Capolo, Wayshore's mother-in-law, Cora and the starting left wing for the Berk County roller hockey team, Mick Rooso.

Pepano Jr's funeral, originally scheduled for January 24, was cancelled due to lack of pastrami.

Staff Meteorologist Hired

In light of all of the recent slayings\firings, the Jerk deemed it necessary to hire some new blood into the organization, and began this cycle with the hire of respected weatherman Rocco Frompley, Jr. Mr. Frompley was previously employed by the competition (now bankrupt) and is very excited to be a part of the growing Jerk product.

" I can't believe it!!! This is a lifelong dream come true, second only to the Schmombo-Quinkley brawl of '87!"

Nothing else to see here.

Rocco Frompley Jr.




January 21, 2010

1st annual Hey Jerk Face Draft




1st round
[Analysis by Oscar Rainbow and draft expert Capolo]

1. Ottawa Rattlers (from Trenton) - Harold Torkowsky's nose. Set Fannin County record with 17 sneezes/minute in 2007. Nicknamed "The Schnozzer".

2. Ottawa Kangaroos - D. Devito. First man to be drafted in poo, sneeze, giraffe, ladder, and face drafts all in same year.

3. Santruce County - Mole (unattached). Two hairs: one brown, one light-brown. Confused for chocolate chip (Spring, 1997).

4. Rectal City, Utah - Rory Steinowitz' left ear. Small wound on lobe (cigarette). 14.2" diameter won largest at Rectal City Fair (1533)

5. Whisker Town - Whiskers. The Centipedes pick the home town facial feature to attempt to revive a dwindling fan base.



6. Yetiville - Forfeit. Due to the ridiculousness of the previous pick, Yetiville has chose to forfeit their pick at 6 and save funds for a possible late round Devito move.

7. Venableville - Chen Bradley's eyebrows. Grew back November, 2009 after an October ankle sock fire took the lives of thousands of eyebrows. Permanent barbecue sauce stain in left brow.

8. Lou - Lou. After forming own expansion squad in off season, Lou decides to draft himself.

9. Qweckney - Handlebar mustache. Once belonged to Pip Ledner look-alike contest runner-up Xavier Leech. Contains corn niblet.

10. Atlanta - Soul patch. Trendy in the mid 90's, everyone who wore one looked atrocious. This particular one belonged to Hey Jerk staff member Fob Quinkley (1999).

11. Cronk Valley - Melanie Cole's chin. Acquired in a blockbuster trade for three knuckles and a plate of forehead skin (September, 2003).

12. Trenton (from Ottawa Rattlers) - Franklin Dobbs' head lice. Nine-year old's lice collection valued at $1,500.


**2nd round coming soon**

New Staff Crugg Hire Crugg Jr. Dead, Despite Bodyguard Hires

Aaron Crugg Jr. has been murdered, despite his hires of bodyguards to prevent it. Crugg set a new record for shortest time employed by the Jerk at 4 minutes, 13 seconds. It is believed that his bodyguards were not effective due to the fact that they were ants.


Crugg Jr., like his father, will not be missed.


Crugg Hired as Staff Crugg, Hopes to Avoid Death



The exhaustive search for the newest Hey Jerk staff member has ended. Aaron Crugg was named Staff Crugg in a press conference held in his underwear, Thursday afternoon. Crugg, the son of former disgraced staff doctor Warren C. Crugg, recently held a similar post at the controversial blog www.thingsincruggsear.com.

"I'm here to avenge my father's untimely dismissal and apparent caterpillar overdose-death," said Crugg, who was wearing blue polka dot briefs with little canaries on the left buttocks. "I'm going to bring honor and chili back to the Crugg name. And, hopefully, I won't be gunned down in cold blood before I can complete my first day on the job."

Crugg said he has hired additional bodyguards to protect him from the unidentified assassins that have plagued the Hey Jerk headquarters since the blog's inception in November, 2009.

Hortense Found Dead



Former staff arachnid artist, Hortense was found dead early Thursday morning. Hortense, a staff member for nearly 12 hours, apparently walked underneath a loafer and was flattened instantly. She leaves behind a husband, Stan and several uneaten grasshoppers.

January 20, 2010

Staff Arachnid, Hortense hired

The Jerk staff is proud to announce the hiring of Hortense the Tarantula to the much-coveted position of Staff Arachnid Artist. She primarily prefers the Crayola carnation pink crayon but has been known to utilize sienna brown and sea foam green on occasion.

Hortense comes to us from Alton Greebury's tattoo parlor and has a degree in the Arachnid Arts from the University of Georgia. She is the mother to 1,018 children and is excited to be joining the team. Hortense was overheard saying "While I may only use three colors and am not particularly electronically savvy, I think I'll make a great addition to staff of The Jerk."

See staff listings for photo of Hortense. Welcome to the staff!

SHANE/BINGO MURDER SCENE FBI PHOTO LEAKED

The FBI today mistakenly leaked the murder scene photo from Monday night's mysterious Shersherman funeral slayings. The following photo is considered confidentional.



(Click photo for close-up view of scene)

Shane photos obtained

The first photos from the eulogy and murder of Percy Shane have been obtained by the Hey Jerk staff.

Warning: the following images are graphic and should not be viewed by children with lice or under-privileged possum.

January 18, 2010

Staff Stylist Applicant, Burt Shersherman, Dead at 97

****BREAKING****

(Last known photograph of Shersherman)

The Jerk staff is proud to report the death of stylist applicant (not hired) Burt Shersherman at age 97. Preliminary reports indicate acorns as the cause of death. We have EXCLUSIVE coverage of the Shersherman funeral and will be blogging live!


8:30 PM - Shersherman placed in Folgers can.

8:58 PM - Staff Dentist J. Jerry has a donut.

9:04 PM - Rerun of Oprah Winfrey show spotted on security TV.

9:10 PM - Oscar Rainbow arrives, screams "Glenn lives!", and runs back into the woods.

9:17 PM - Shersherman asks for a glass of apple juice.

9:21 PM - Staff Hippo Larry defecates in Shershermans coffin. Clean up not performed.

9:27 PM - Eulogy performed by Shersherman former employer, Percy W. Shane.

"First of all, Burt changed his last name during the war. It used to be Shershersherman. And his first name used to be Harriet. But that's not important now. What's important is, Burt is finally dead. Now we can go over to his house and get back our cats and toaster ovens he stole. For those who would like to join me, I'm off to Dunky's for $1 light beer night. Ladies only."

9:28 PM - Percy W. Shane murdered by Staff doctor D. Compelli.

9:32 PM - D. Compelli successfully subdued by Staff Lawyer C.V. Bwon. Shersherman asks for a twinkie.

9:35 PM - Numerous guests realize they never knew Shersherman and begin to pile out.

9:36 PM - FBI arrives, removes body of recently assassinated Percy Shane. Interviews begin with witnesses.

9:38 PM - FBI ends interviews, decides it will not pursue murderer in any fashion. Case closed. RIP Percy W. Shane.

9:40 PM - Staff Janitor K'wontavious Jickson fired. Replacement search started.

9:42 PM - Shersherman coffin lowered into ground. Shersherman grabs a coffee.

9:44 PM - Staff Iguana, Bingo, found dead at foot of snack table.

9:46 PM - Last listening of Shershermans fake last album - A Shersherman Divided.



9:49 PM - Last remaining copy of A Shersherman Divided burned and disposed of.

9:50 PM - Shersherman heads home for the evening.

That concludes the live blog.

January 13, 2010

Update


WANTED



J. Junior Senior Jr.
Nose: pork chop

* Eye-ear patch made of frozen motor oil & glue *


Information: email oscarrainbow@gmail.com

January 11, 2010

RAINBOW BACK, REMAINS UNSTABLE

O. Rainbow stumbled back to Jerk headquarters this morning in an extremely unusual outfit. While Rainbow has not yet clearly spoken, he has been heard mumbling incoherently about what can only be understood as "Glenn will return......."


That said, the staff here has decided to reluctantly welcome Rainbow back on, and to facilitate his complete recovery from lingering insanity issues and walnut addiction. Look for further Rainbow updates\insane ramblings from the man himself in the near future.

Oscar Rainbow - 9:43 AM - 1/11/10

Outside Jerk Headquarters


January 8, 2010

Rainbow update

January 8, 2:21 p.m. - Patient Oscar Rainbow has escaped from Quinkley Asylum, according to staff nurse Dorothy Tanin.

This photo was taken outside Rainbow's room just minutes after his escape:

Hey jerk, get your rotini noodle off my lawn


January 7, 2010

Letter from Quinkley Asylum

I asked for a straight jacket and they gave me a rain coat and the pockets were filled with tomato sauce. Can I get a piece of bread?

That rat ran off with my pencil! How am I going to be able to write down what the tadpole in my shoe is saying without my pencil? They said I could bring one item with me into this Merleforsaken place, so I took Randy, my tadpole. He's been with me through thick and thin. Thick and thin. Thinking thin. Thunking Sid. Sid and Jan. Thickly Sam.

Where was he?

Right. I was writing limericks on the wall a minute ago:

There once was a

That's as far as I've gotten.

It's probably best that I'm here. I remember my father trying to take me to an insane asylum when I was 10. I got out of it by telling him I was president of a unibrow company. He wasn't very smart, but amongst his fellow staplers, he was a genius.

I'll tell you who put me here, it's that ear hole, Glenn. He's had it in for me ever since the olive wars of '09. Carpetsweepercouchfiberrottenmashedpotatokitchen.

Vote Ernie Kellog mayor of ernietown.

What was that?

Dinner is served the chubby guy said, but all I see is a bunch of raccoons running around in the court yard.

The oily one just yelled all you can eat and now the other inmates are running around with knives and forks, chasing the raccoons.

I think I'm going to like it here.


1/7/10 4:15 p.m.




Quinkley

January 6, 2010

RAINBOW DEEMED UNSTABLE, SENT ON LEAVE

*** BREAKING NEWS - RAINBOW "HYSTERICAL, INSANE, MUMBLING"***


Staff contributer and co-founder was abruptly asked to take an indefinite leave of absense today, after speculation amongst blog staff began to grow about whether or not Oscar was mentally sane. After screaming "Glenn lives!" for the larger part of an hour and streaking around the office in a walnut, the authorities were contacted and Rainbow was taken to the asylum. In a hysterical state, Rainbow vowed "Ill be back in about a half hour."


This is the last known picture of Rainbow. His leave from the blog is indefinite but will most likely be over in an hour or so.


Son of Fat Neck Glenn speaks



MULKLEY VILLAGE, CW - Abner Glenn, son of disgraced former Hey Jerk staff dentist Fat Neck Glenn, spoke in front of his mailbox, early Wednesday, defending his father.

My father did not deserve to be fired from his job as staff dentist. Sure, he probably deserved to be fired from his grocery store manager's job, with all the rules they have now about chewing fruit and putting it back on the shelf and attempting to sell it. And I guess his work as a human lawnmower didn't end well after emptying his "bag" on the Peterson's dining room table in the summer of '82. But the recent firing was unjust and the parking lot olive war had very little to do with my father. And let me dispel a few other rumors:

1. My father has never performed dental work with a plastic spoon.
2. In his 20+ years of practicing dentistry, my father has only filled a patient's cavity with mashed potatoes once, and that was because the label was improperly marked.
3. If a patient is forced to stand up while my father performs surgery, it is because he is intensely self-conscious of his height (1'4).
4. No patient of my father's has ever been instructed to brush their teeth with Sour Patch Kids.

I hope this helps clear my father's name.



Abner Glenn

January 5, 2010

STAFF LAWYER HIRED

With the recent developments involving the termination of former staff dentist F. Glenn, the staff here at the Jerk believed that hiring a lawyer was essential to the guaranteed continuation of business here at the blog. Therefore, we would like to introduce our new staff lawyer!


Vanderells Bwon



Name: Clifford Vanderells Bwon
DOB: 4
Height\Weight: 1'7" 14 lbs
Abode: Hollow loaf of marble rye
Spouse: Gary Jenkins
Accomplishments: 2009 - completed two classes at Keech Law School. Expelled for water fountain theft.
Comments: No arms. Likes water chestnuts.

January 3, 2010